My Life As I See It

2003-06-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

I've moved!

It has been fun with Blogger. I've gained so many friends through this blog. Hope I'll gain some more through my site! ü By the way, if you still wish to view my past entries, you can do so here.

Please change your links and proceed here. ü See you there!

2003-04-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

Soon.

^^,

2003-03-27T23:44:00.000-08:00

Hi guys.

Graduation was fun while it lasted, but I didn't cry though. I expected that I will be crying rivers, but, to my surprise, I was actually exhilarated, and very very very VERY HAPPY about it all. I was a trifle excited and I could do nothing else but hug everyone and jump up and down in giddiness. I am free at last!

High school has started to take a toll on me in my senior year, and I was not having fun anymore. I was just glad for all that happened, be it good or bad, because I came to cherish what I have more. I learned that life is good, but it is also difficult and unfair. I learned to make my way alone, and am finally glad that this is all over.

I will be starting a new chapter of my life soon, and I can't wait. This summer, I will be somewhat "communing" with myself (haha). But I feel that I need this one. I believe my soul and my heart was battered by the onslaught of many trials that came in my life, and believe me, they were not so simple!

What I might tell you now might come off as a surprise, but nevertheless, I am going to say it:

I am going to immerse myself into a temporary hiatus.

Yes, I think I will not blog anymore for a few weeks or so (depending on how long it might take me to try not to miss my blog haha), just to give myself some rest and to gain some peace of mind. This summer, I hope to get in touch with myself more, and to work on my faith. I want to replenish my spirit and I want to get used to laughing more often. I don't do that anymore.

And besides, I am also growing dissatisfied with Blogger. So fear not - even though I might not be posting here anymore, be assured that I am still clicking away and banging on my keyboard, because I am building my own site as of the moment. I am still trying to persuade my parents to give me money and allow me to purchase my own domain, but alas, it was not meant to be (haha). I am working on a template, and a new concept, and I hope that by the time I get back from hibernation, all of you are still there to welcome me back.

To everyone, and I mean everyone - thank you, thank you, thank you soooo much! And yes, you are all linked to my new site. ^^, As for those who have recently passed here, I will be linking you too. All those who dropped by my tagboard, and who painstakingly emailed me, you are also linked. ^^,

I will keep the tagboard, and leave a link to my archive and my email. You can all reach me there. ^^,

It has been a wonderful year of blogging! Take care y'all!

2003-03-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

Last

Today I pick up my star
Measure its weight upon my palm
Its edges start to burn my skin,
Feeling the glory of pain -
This is the last that I'll beget
The rhythmic thrum of stellar passion
Tomorrow I'll head on
To the vortex of a beginning's promise.

Today I stand on the edge of vertigo
Wanting to fly fearlessly
Gravity holding me back no more
I am a perfect lexicon of thoughts and words
I wish to spin around
And then fall back in the embrace of chaos
This is the last that I'll be
Tomorrow I will become.

I will shed the crystal tears in a fleeting moment
It will weave the end and the finality.
Last dance for the fallen night -
The sky will exalt with grace...
Tomorrow will begin today.

----

At 3.00 pm today, I will be a graduate. A toast to the beginning.

2003-03-20T09:24:00.000-08:00

The WAR has begun.

We cannot rectify the injustices with Violence.
By history, we should have learned much.

But the thirst to strike back is bigger
Than compassion
Than understanding
Than mercy -
Made more immense
By the urge to stay on top.

I understand perfectly
What needs to be solved,
What needs to be healed.
But I cannot see the reason
Behind the ultimatum,
Behind the threat,
Behind the ammo.

While we all are witnesses
To the beginning of horror -

Let us kneel down and pray.

Father, into Your arms, we surrender with all faith. Deliver us Your mercy and protect us from the onslaught of hate and all-consuming anger. Let us live through tomorrow, without the danger and the chaos. Embrace the helpless and the sick, and instill in us much strength and courage to face what's before us. May all Your children suffer not from the cruel hands of power. Amen.

2003-03-18T01:27:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhhhh I'm starting to hate blogger!

My template's supposed to look like this:

Version 5

Damn it.

2003-03-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

from the movie, Unfaithful

"Drink wine. This is life eternal. This, all that youth will give to you. It is the season for wine, roses and drunken friends. Be happy for this moment. This moment... is your life."

2003-03-17T00:35:00.000-08:00

Pahabol.

Vera and Alex sent me SMS to greet me happy birthday. Go greet Vera tomorrow, on the 18th, because it's her birthday, too. ^^, Thanks for everything, mader! You've been like a sister to me. I Love You!

Thanks also to Hannah, Yottie, Denise, Trixie, Christa, Lizzie, Cams, Pat, April, and all of my other friends who came to the surprise party!

Thanks Riezl and Aiza for the gift you gave me a while ago! ^^,

2003-03-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

This is just soooo sweet. sniff

She sent me a birthday card.

Thanks, KIT ! Love you lots! ^^,

2003-03-15T23:51:00.000-08:00

It was fun while it lasted.

My friends threw me a surprise party. ^^, It was the sweetest thing. They had me all believed that one of my closest friends is depressed, and I just have to come over at her house. Of course, I was downright worried. I called her up the night before my birthday, asking how she was, and was alarmed that she was sad and a bit out of it. And I knew that I really had to come over.

The morning of my birthday, between thanking those who sent me SMS and buying clothes for the Senior's Night in the evening, I was worrying about my friend. When we bought a birthday cake, I thought to buy a small one, too, for her. When I was getting dressed, my other friend called me up saying that I have to hurry up and come soon. Again, alarmed, I was frantically telling my parents to hurry up and drop me off at my friend's house.

When I came there, I was really, really surprised by it all. I didn't expect that all the things they said were just plain acting, and that there's a party waiting for me. I almost cried! All of them prepared for this - one cooked me spaghetti, the other baked me a birthday cake (chocolate! my favorite!). Then they gave me gifts, and hugs, and kisses - I was just so happy!

Evening came, we all went to school for the Senior's Night. It was not fun as I've expected it to be, with the theme being retro and all, but I enjoyed my stay. It's something I wouldn't miss though. It failed to give me that much impact. But, needless to say, we had our pictures taken, danced, sang, ate, and laughed.

Before midnight I came back to my friend's house to pick up my other things. We chatted for a while, relaxed, watched tv, while I was waiting for my parents to pick me up. All in all, it was a nice way to end the day.

My first day being seventeen was a day I'll not likely forget. Thank you God. I realized that ~~somebody~~ many people loved me after all, and that I've many friends who remember. And are grateful. And cares for me a great deal. ^^,

...

To all those who came by / sent me SMS to greet me - Lola Jade, Kat, Nazel, Ruthie, Femme_Fatale, Myzeri, Iruka, Rita, Kuya Ganns, Ayen, Vince, Karen, Lunacy, Bobee, Sacha, Kit, Kuya Marc, Frances, etc. - THANK YOU SO MUCH! ^^,

2003-03-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to me!

2003-03-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

Please check out my new links!

---

Check her out, too. ^^,

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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so tired. Been layouting the whole school magazine the whole day. God, I could use a break. Anyways, come Saturday, I'm gonna party!

I've already received my first birthday gift. ^^, Cool.

2003-03-10T03:19:00.000-08:00

Some reflection on my upcoming graduation...hehehe ^^, This was taken from my project, just wanted to post this because when I was up and about frantically ordering my staff (we were in the middle of layouting our annual and the last issue of the school magazine for the school year), I was suddenly hit by the thought that the following days would be the last days I would be spending inside the Publications Room. *sob* Sigh...There were just so many memories...

---------------

On Landing Flight

Eleven years ago I wouldn't have thought that I would be sitting here writing and contemplating my own graduation. It seems like yesterday when I first stepped on the grounds of St. Theresa’s College and found a second home where I am surrounded by many people who loved and accepted me not for what I have but for who I am.

Yes. It has been that long. STC became my own personal haven. It kept me safe from the jungle outside as I slowly grew into a mature person. The walls surrounding me kept me whole, and sane.

I nourished and I progressed inside this institution. It was one of the factors why I came to have an inquisitive mind and a competitive spirit. It was one of the driving forces that kept me at my best, and on my toes.

But it also kept me away from the harsh reality of today. Although I was made aware of the constant events happening around me, I admit that I was at bay. It was too impersonal for me to get involved.

Now I believe that the walls have been breached. The world outside is calling to me, and I believe I am ready to meet it.

As much as I’m afraid of leaving the place where I was on common ground for years, I am excited by the thought of being on my own for the very first time.

High school has so ensconced me that I almost felt immortal – that no time, place, person, or event could ever penetrate the shield that my teenager dream has put up around me – no injury could ever come to me and I am infinitely out of harm's way.

Nevertheless, as I walk a fine line between an end and a new beginning, I feel the first stirrings of landing flight. I’m flapping my wings of self-worth, walking off the ledge of security, towards flying in the space of life, hoping to land on both feet flat on the ground of the future.

I can’t wait to graduate. I can’t wait to hold my own destiny in my hands, and make my own decisions that can either make or break me. It’s a very scary thought, true, and I’m bone scared. But I know I cannot hold on much longer to the cradle – I’m growing up, and I have to learn to make it on my own. I WANT to learn to make it on my own.

Life is hard, and I’m not looking at it through rose-colored glasses. The world is jaded, and the moment I step outside, I know I will be in danger: of losing my sense of self, of letting go of my principles, of trusting the wrong people, of making the wrong decisions, of questioning my own God.

But I would rather live my life this way than be sheltered and not learn anything at all. I would rather go through the pain of losing someone than never having to know what it feels like when your heart is ripped from your chest. I would rather fall down to my knees and skin them, than never having to know the rough contours of the pavement beneath your palm when you experienced a stumble or two. I would rather lose nights of sleep than never knowing how it was to worry and be frustrated.

I am not perfect, and to feel all the pain and hurt is suffice to say that I am human. These pangs of agony tell me that I matter, because if I don’t, God wouldn’t waste His time giving me trials so that I may learn from them. He wants me to get something from every experience, and that lets me know that He loves me so.

Life is a continuing journey, and not a destination. My existence is not just for the sole purpose of being, but of becoming. What’s important is not whether I have reached my goal, but what I have discovered and understood in the process of getting there.

I am closing the door to this life, and opening another one for the next. The path to my destiny is laid before my feet, it is up to my sensitivity and faith to walk the right course.

College life may seem so vague, but the pieces are slowly falling into place. Soon I will be off to a foreign place, where the only one I can really turn to besides the Lord is myself.

And although the past is left behind it will never be forgotten, for I will always come back to it, again and again. It is where I started, and from it will come my end.

Classroom
(02.02.03)

Chalk scribbles
Will soon fade
Turn to dust

And the dust
Will soon
Fly away

Lost to the
Oblivion
Of speckles
And dirt
And grime

Deep carvings
Upon the wooden seat
Etched carefully
Over the years

Will soon
Be covered
By yet another
Child’s
Fancy imagination

But
The laughter
And the tears

And the knowledge
And the mistakes

Will
Forever be
Relived
Again and again

In the minds
Of the ones
Who once
Stood in front
To teach
And the ones
Who once
Sat impatiently

But listened
And loved
And learned.

I will continue on shooting for the moon. Even if I miss it, I will land among the stars. And what a fine day that would be. ^^,

2003-03-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

I'm proud to be a Theresian.

Hell, yeah. Haha ^^, In fact, I just might put up one of those buttons in my new template.

Theresians in cyberspace, do check these out:

Be Proud to be a Theresian!
Theresian Sites Webring

....

Haha. I guess am being carried away by the fact that after eleven years of walking the halls of STC (St. Theresa's College, Q.C.), I AM finally leaving home. *sob*

Haha! YES!!! I can't wait to graduate! *teehee* (^_^)

2003-03-09T01:07:00.000-08:00

It's official.

I will be studying at Ateneo De Manila University come June. I will be taking up the course Communications Technology Management. I plan to shift eventually, to a more computer-related course, but I'm keeping an open mind. Who knows, I might stick to what I've started. ^_^

...

And, I dunno if I'm lucky or not, but I'm going to spend next Saturday night (my birthday, by the way ^^,) in our school. We're gonna party! (Or so they say.) It's our Senior's Night, and supposedly a last get-together of our batch before we graduate. It sucks a bit though, because we're all going to come dressed up in the '80s. *Sigh* I've nothing against the Eighties, heck, I LOVE the Eighties.

Yun nga lang, WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR?!

I'd be caught dead before wearing these:

But I think...what I'm going to wear is going to be similar to those. Waaaaahhhh.

...

Do check out my new links. ^^, Most of the blogs I've recently linked are worth looking into. Have fun!

2003-03-08T00:18:00.000-08:00

I am currently making plans on building my own website. This summer, I'm going to keep myself occupied with that, and contemplating whether I'll take up the offer of a friend who wants to host me, or buy a domain for myself. The latter one, of course, is going to cost me.

Can you give me some suggestions on what to put there? I've only thought of the blog, about me (of course), some of my writings. Would it work if I put a message board / forum? I want to chat with you guys, or you could post topics that we could talk about. That way we bloggers can communicate more, eh?

What? Am I making sense?

Oh, and I'm still wanting to know which phone is better! ^^,

2003-03-06T02:43:00.000-08:00

Which is better?

This one:

or this one:

What do you think? I could only choose between these two as my graduation gift, and frankly, I'm stumped. ^^,
A little help, please?

...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh one more day to endure, 5 more hours of school tomorrow, and then I'm absolutely, definitely freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2003-03-01T08:45:00.000-08:00

Finally I had something to revert my attention to.

And I'm glad that I'm standing up for something I believe in, and many people share the same view.

I went to the peace rally at the Luneta Grandstand last Friday afternoon, and my conviction is stronger than ever.

2003-02-25T02:18:00.000-08:00

Burnout
by Sugarfree

O wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa 'kin
Wag mo akong kulitin, wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago
Di na tayo tulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali

O kay tagal din kitang minahal

Kung iisipin mo di naman dati ganito
Teka muna, teka lang, kelan tayo nailang?
Kung iisipin mo, di naman dati ganito
Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay

O kay tagal din kitang minahal

Tinatawag kita, sinusuyo kita
Di mo man marinig, di mo man madama

O kay tagal di kitang mamahalin...

...

Unang Araw
by Sugarfree

Sadya ba talagang ganyan
Palakad lakad ka't nakatungo, san patungo?
Ngayong wala ka na
Kailangang masanay na muling nag-iisa
San ka na kaya
Wag mo akong sisihin
Kung minsan ika'y hanapin
Kung minsan akong iyakin
Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na
Nasanay lang siguro na nandyan ka
Di ko inakalang pwede kang mawala, yan na nga
Nababato nalulungkot luha't napapawi ng singhot
At talukbong ng kumot...

...

Do What You Have To Do
Sarah Mclachlan

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

...

If You're Not The One
by Daniel Bedingfield

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

...

Have You Ever
by Brandy

(Chorus:)
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?

Have you ever?

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything
To make them understand?
Have you ever had someone
Steal your heart away?
You'd give anything
To make them feel the same?
Have you ever searched for words
To get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start?

(Repeat chorus)

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life?
You'd do just about anything
To look into their eyes?
Have you fin'ly found the one

You've given your heart to
Only to find that one
Won't give their heart to you?
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait
For that day when they will care?

(Repeat chorus)

(Bridge:)
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby?
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand
How I need you next to me?
Gotta get you in my world
'Cause, baby, I can't sleep

(Repeat chorus twice)

Have you ever?

...

Only Time
Enya

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...

And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...

Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies?
Only time...

And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love dies?
Only time...

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be,
In your heart.

And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...

Who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...

And who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...

Who knows?
Only time...

2003-02-24T04:23:00.000-08:00

I think I might have flunked the achievement test in Trigonometry today. I am totally out of my mind. If we had Physics in the afternoon instead of Group Guidance (thank God for that), I might have failed in that test too. Good thing though that I am listening to my last lesson in Music, and was able to answer all the questions in the long test. Again, I did not study for that, too.

What is happening to me?

I did not finish Chapters 3, 4, and 5 of our Feasibility Study; I wasn't able to make any article for the Annual or my editorial and column for the school magazine for that matter; I didn't have a report for our presentation; and I didn't even make my take-home quiz comic strip in Religion. I did that one during my Trig class, a mere 40 minutes before Religion, while answering math problems and figuring out sines and cosines. (Sorry, Ms., I know my assignment looked like garbage, and I thank you for giving me a 7 out of 10. I know I didn't deserve that. Still, you were soooooo good. Thanks heavens for teachers like you. ^^,)

Now again, back to the proverbial question: What is happening to me?

Frankly, I do not know. All day yesterday and all today I was a mess. Well, more like a living dead-mess. I was always staring at nothing. Time seems to pass soooo slowly. I can't do anything at all, and I am not functioning well. My duties are not fulfilled and I do not even give a damn about it. It's like I'm suspended in time, and I can't seem to regroup or take a hold of myself. Logically I am really worried by this behavior because I do not want to fall into a stupor like this one; it could get dangerous, and I have a lot to deal with this week and the coming week.

Is this what a breakup can do to you? Hindi naman di ba? Someone told me not to overdramatize things. Pero frankly, I can't feel anything at all. What is there for me to dramatize about? I haven't even cried yet. Many of my friends are worried because I'm all silent. I am not showing any least bit of emotion, but they say my eyes are fathomless, empty, and so very lonely. They say I need to cry. But I can't.

Am I making sense at all? My heart is sooo heavy, I can't even describe it. It drags me down talaga, and I want to get rid of that feeling. It's as if I'm falling endlessly and I do not know when I will hit the concrete. In some ways, I do really need to cry. I WANT to cry, just to let this all out. I even want to sleep and never ever wake up again. I am just so inevitably tired to the marrow. The problem is, I can't really seem to bring myself to shed the tears. I can't summon them up. No matter what I do, I cannot cry at all. I just think and think and think and think all day until my brain wants to explode from all the thoughts running in my head.

I tried listening to songs that we used to hear together, or recall instances when we would be so very happy. Pero wala pa rin. It's as if I'm devoid of all emotion. Well, sort of. You see, I can smile. I was even laughing a while ago. But it all feels so fake. I do not know why I do that.

I was even psychoanalyzing myself a while ago with a friend whom I requested to come to school just so we could talk (she's in college now but makes an effort to come to school whenever I need her...sweet noh?). Why am I not crying? There are several points that I have thought of - some very absurd, others maybe true...but I don't know which one is really applicable:

Is it because subconsciously, I know somehow that in the long run this relationship will end? Pero hindi rin naman. Kasi I was confident that we would last eh. We were(are) best friends, just moving on to a deeper relationship. If we have survived that one, bakit hindi ito? O baka naman dahil I have this fear of rejection and am very insecure, and my worst fears are coming true...He doesn't want anymore a relationship with me, and I'm just so very afraid and overwhelmed na nangyayari na nga ang kinatakatakutan ko? Or is it because subconsciously din, I know I do not have the time to get all weepy about this because it would be so pointless, since it wouldn't bring him back, and I got a lot do besides mope and cry and cry? O baka naman dahil crying would mean an acceptance that he is really gone in my life - and that I haven't cried to show defiance that this wouldn't end, and am harboring a secret hope of us getting back together? I was even thinking na maybe he didn't matter that much to me at all pala kasi I couldn't even shed a tear for me. Pero hello? He means the world to me nga eh. I even dismissed the fact that maybe I'm in a state of shock. Baka kahapon pwede pa. But this is now. Maybe I'm in denial.

Sigh. Help please?

What makes me all the more hurt by this matter is the fact that I went to church last Saturday night. You know what I prayed for? I thanked Him for giving me a relationship such as this one, because I am finally finding my self-worth bit by bit. I also prayed that He guide him, since I am not there to make things alright for him, and to help him in his problems, which I know, are very disturbing at the moment. I also asked Him that He guide over us two as we make our way towards a long and prosperous relationship. But look what happened. When I woke up Sunday morning, he wanted to break up with me. So much for the long relationship.

No, I am not mad at the Lord. Just terribly and miserably confused and hurting. Why? That's the only question I can ask. I know there is some purpose in such a moment as this one. But I can't seem to find the reason why He would let this happen.

God, what do you want me to realize? For the first time in ages I was happy, and good things are falling into place. Why are you taking him away? He was the source for all the goodness in me, and in my life. What are you trying to tell me, Father?

I so want this to be over. I want to get on with my life, but with him by my side. Yeah, I know, it's cheesy. But I can't help but question: if he still loves me, and I still love him, then why are we not together? Should I call him again, or leave him alone? I want to talk to him and clear things...even it means maybe getting back together and hanging in there, or really going back to just being the best of friends. But he might be irritated because I might come out to be annoying or something. At the same time, I also wanted to give him space, so he could think things over. But by the time that we would talk, I don't want the gap between us to be too wide that we won't be able to bridge it back. If we would not have this relationship, I would like the friendship to be intact.

So...what to do? I am really at a loss. I never encountered a problem quite complicated like this. I am good at giving my friends advices - I am their ever reliable shock absorber and a shoulder they can cry on. Sadly, I cannot seem to apply my own advices to my own life, and they cannot give me something that I need. So I constantly think and think and think. But tonight it's just too much.

I run to this blog, but my blog cannot talk to me. What can you say? Am I a hopeless case? I am laughing but I want to cry. I want to sleep all day but I have many things to do. No, I do not want to die, but I want to run away from all of this. I want my problem to be gone but I want him back. I want to shout and pull my hair out but I don't have the energy or emotion to do it. I want something to happen but I do not know what is.

When you meet me in person, I know you will have a hard time reconciling what I'm writing now to the way I act. To many I am tough, strong, dependable. Not the type who falls in love, not the type who has a boyfriend, not the type who is agonizing over a heartbreak. Alam ko na sasabihin ng iba diyan eh - Talaga, may boyfriend ka? Ikaw? Oh well. Forgive me for I am but human.

And tonight, I will not be so proud and say that I do not need. Because I do. At this moment, if things were going well, I would have run to him. But right now he is so very far away from me and it's only you that I have.

Help help help help help. Just a simple word will do.

2003-02-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

Numb

How long have we been the best of friends? It’s been a very long time since we first met. But I can still recall it vividly in my mind. I think that from the first time we talked, you knew exactly what I was needing, and you were there for me. You’ve been there ever since. I’ve never known a guy who’s more sensitive to my needs than you. I pulled through every difficulty in my life because you were there to urge me on. For a long time you were my pillar. Everyone admired my strength to carry on every trial – they didn’t know that at night I come running to you with my tears.

How long have I loved you? I can’t even remember how it started. I just knew that I have never felt more alive when we’re together. We can talk about everything and still it’s not enough. Sometimes, we talk about nothing at all, but in the silence, we understood each other perfectly. While you were out there loving somebody else, I was contented with loving you in my suffering stillness. I was contented with loving you inspite of the pain, because it was an exquisite joy to have you in my life. I loved the fact that despite the woman you are giving your heart to, you come to me when you need.

You are not perfect. But I loved you exactly just as you are. I did not invite you to change. Your flaws are what made me love you more, because it made you human. When you were hurt, I shared your anguish so that it will hurt a little less. I endured all the nights when you would confide in me about her. I felt my heart being squeezed whenever you tell me that you love her so much. And I cry when she hurts you so bad. I loved you without consequences, and I didn’t utter a word about it. When you broke up with her, I didn’t feel elation because you were finally free. Instead I long to give you solace because you were going through so much. For once you were weak, and I stayed with you until you were okay.

I do not know if it was the constant wishing on the stars or just plain luck, but you knew. Oh, you knew exactly what I was feeling – not only because I’m guessing that it shows, but because you felt it too. Imagine my surprise when you told me you loved me, too.

It was a healing balm, your love. I learned to appreciate myself and the world each day. Suddenly, everything was falling to place. Great things happened to me, and I never even expected it. I know we are far away from each other, and the distance could sometimes make us both cry, but I was confident that we will pull through. We survived a friendship, why not this one? You told me first and foremost that you are my best friend, and that the friendship doesn’t have to end where the love begins. And I believed you.

For the past few days the world came crashing down on me. I have few friends that could be trusted, and I felt that I couldn’t make it. I was being sucked into a vortex of despair, and you are not here. But I thought about you, and summoned all your love inside me, and I was able to stay together. I long to hear your voice and tell you everything, because I know you can make it all right. I long to hear you say you love me, because with that I’ll be okay.

This morning you told me you want out. Suddenly I was lost, and I didn’t know what to do. I was just finally putting back the pieces, but they all crumbled down around me again. This time I do not know where to run. I have loved you for so long, I do not know how to stop.

I know the distance is what’s bothering you. Pero kakayanin ko naman lahat ng ito para sa iyo eh. Why are you letting go? If there’s one thing I know, you never give up on someone you love. Why are you telling me to leave? I’m not yet done loving you. There’s still so much in me that I would like to give you. Don’t shut me out just because you don’t want to get hurt again. I know you’ve been burned – how many times do I have to tell you that I’m not like that?

How will I enjoy my life when my life is you? I can’t even cry. I can’t even shed a single tear. There’s an emptiness inside me that I didn’t even knew you filled up until now. Right now, I’m feeling numb, but I know I’m starting to fall apart. My heart is much too weak to make it on my own.

Where will I run to now? To whom can I cry? I was always used to having you beside me. If you love me still, as I love you, then why are we not together?

I am willing to take the risk of getting hurt if it means a chance for us. But you are too afraid to get scars again. Was it me? Now I am insecure as ever before.

Don’t tell me to forget, because I can’t. But for what it’s worth, if you don’t want this, if you don’t want me, I am going to let you go. Don’t expect though, that I will be alright, because I won’t. Right now I feel so alone…I don’t know how in the world will I move on.

And what’s worse, after all this, you’re still my world…and I’m missing you.

...

Was supposed to post about what's happening to me lately...pero with what happened this morning, I don't think I have the energy.

2003-02-21T04:14:00.000-08:00

Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

** Hrrrmm. How true. ^^, **

...

#41

What Dave Matthews Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

** I sooooo love Dave Matthews. And this one fits me. Oh yeah. **

...

You come from Dark Water. You are solitary and
find peace in yourself, or maybe you're
turmoiled but pull off peace.

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

...

You are pink. You are in limbo. Not pure and manipulated like white, not impure and noble like red. You are unsure of your real identity, but whatever you chose it to be, you can be it. That is your power. You change everyone you touch, and everyone remembers you. In literature, pink represents the place between heaven and hell. You are the one we will never forget.

What inner color are you?

*Yeeech. I hate pink. Harhar. ^^, **

...

Aragorn

Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
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** Hahahahahhahahahahhahaha. I like, I like. Hehehe **

...

2003-02-21T04:09:00.000-08:00

Finally, my blog is working! *wooohoooo*

Many, many, MANY thanks and hugs to yottie for fixing up my blog. My computer crashed some weeks now and my schedule is way tooooo hectic to even blog, much less rev up the template. *teehee* You are a blessing from heaven, yottie, my friend! Thanks talaga. See you in school. Hehe ^^,

I missed this so much. Imma blog something fierce this weekend. Of course, my computer's still bummed up. Currently using (without permission *hehe*) my father's PC. Will post a very long account of what's been happening in my life for the past few weeks, so hang in there. Maybe I can get that done tomorrow.

Thanks for checking up on me so often! To Yottie, Cymone, Hannah, Ate Jean, Ananova, Kit, Harvey, Steph, Karen, and many others I've missed...thanks so much!

/me skips around. *Im a verrrrrry happy gurrrl*

2003-02-05T04:57:00.000-08:00

be sorted @ nimbo.net

*LOL* And I do not even like Harry Potter.

2003-02-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

You are the fox.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near -
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the Little Prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the Little Prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the colour of the wheat fields."

One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed...

2003-01-31T05:00:00.000-08:00

Finally that hell of a monologue is over! ^^, I had a blast by the way. I had fun. Think I got a high grade, too. I didn't know how I managed to pull it off - I woke up late today. Just got off the bathroom when the bus arrived. Imagine that! Of course, I made them wait, much to my embarrassment! Then, did not eat anything much - missed breakfast, recess, and lunchtime! I was a bundle of nerves before the presentation...but when I took the center stage, all things passed in a blur. I can't recall any moment point by point because all were very vague to me. I think I've done a loooooot of ad libs! Anyways, I'm ok. Absolutely perfect. Very tired, but all else, I'm okay.

...

Hmmm. Contemplated my future tonight. I just have this feeling that my parents are against my studying at University of the Philippines Diliman, my dream school. ^^, And I think that I won't pass Computer Science there. Too much competition. Too much brains. If I happen to pass Journalism, though, might as well really kiss this dream goodbye. My parents are against that course or anything related to it. That's why I have this inkling that I would study in Ateneo de Manila University.

At present I am proud to say that I have passed AdMU, the university that gave the hardest entrance exam ever, in my opinion. My course is BS Communications Technology Management. But, as I leaf through the pages of the school paraphernalia, I saw the course Management Informations Systems. I started to have second thoughts.

Frankly, if my parents do not want me to take up Journalism, Computer Science would be the next one in my book. And the best university I could think of that could offer me that course is De La Salle University (And I passed that). But DLSU is sooooo far away from my house, minus points in my parents' point of view. Unfortunately, I didn't pass ComSci in Ateneo because it was an honors program. Guess I wasn't just qualified for that, and got ComTech instead. So I'm thinking of switching my course to MIS.

*Sigh* Am I somehow making sense?

2003-01-30T01:10:00.000-08:00

Whew! Sorta busy this week. But, I really, really, really, really wanted my blog's new template to be finished by tomorrow or Saturday. ^^, Wish me luck on my monolgue in English tomorrow! I get to play the role of Hera, the queen of the Olympian deities, and the goddess of marriage. *teehee* ^^,

...

Am also making a project (I got the idea from a classmate). That is, for myself only. ^^, I plan to gather all the poems, essays, articles, songs, sonnets, and short stories that I have written and compile them all. In short, ipapa-book bind ko. ^^, Ok ba? Got any tips, comments or suggestions? If I have enough materials, maybe I'll post them in the web too, so all you out there can read them. ^^,
Oh, and if you know where I can find great pictures that I can put in together with my writings, let me have the url. Thanks a bunch! ^^,

2003-01-26T03:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay. Spank me (haha), I've been a very busy girl. On top of receiving my report card and preparing for my monologue in Greek Mythology (I play the role of Hera), I am also building a new template for this blog, even contemplating of making a site of my own. Many of my friends said that I should make one already, but it takes too much of my time, which I so undeniably lack. Plus, I'm stumped of what to put in there. They say that I should put up my works (poems, short stories, song compositions) because all of them are worth reading.

...

In fact, a classmate of mine, after letting her read some of my works, would never stop trailing after me now. She's always telling me that I'm her idol, and never fails to praise to many people. Stupefied, that's what I was. To tell you the truth, I'm not very good with praises and have very low self-esteem, so just imagine me attacked suddenly by a barrage of compliments. If I could only blush, I would have put a tomato to shame.

...

Anyways, attended a seminar workshop on campus journalism yesterday. Didn't have much fun. The UP Journalism Club facilitated mostly, giving lectures and several exercises mostly on news and headline writing, opinion and feature writing, and layout and design. Since I'm the editor-in-chief of our school magazine, I got to participate in all of the three modules. But, mostly, I was in the layout and design group; I wanted to learn a lot because I have the annual / yearbook to worry about. Was disappointed a bit though, because although a bit enlightening on some parts, the guy who facilitated taught us mainly on newspaper layouting. I had stressed the fact that we were a doing a magazine, so what he says cannot be applied. It was also a put down on my part, because I think he underestimated our capacity too much. He thought we were nothing but a bunch of dimwitted highschoolers who knew zilch when it comes to layouting. Whoa. Talk about arrogance to the hilt. I was pissed off, hell yes. I don't care if he studies in a state university, and UP Diliman at that. I didn't like him one bit.

I appreciated his comments, and I admit that we are not the best magazine in history, but I can attest to the fact that compared to others, we are not doing so bad. Excuse me, but we are not born yesterday. We know how to use computers and cool software programs, thank you, if only my school wasn't so outdated information-technology wise. How dare he tell me how to handle my staff and gather news around the campus. Doesn't he think I know that? I've been with the staff for so many years, of course I know what to do. But of course, I kept my mouth shut. As always. At least I only had to deal with his presence for a half day.

*Sigh* Anyhoo, that was that. ^^,

...

Got my report card last week too. Can't say that all of them are good, but I'm happy in the least:
Religion - 90
English - 85
Filipino - 89
Physics - 81
Trigonometry - 79
Economics - 86
Technology and Home Economics - 86
Computer - 93
Physical Education - 86
Music - 88
Creative Writing and Journalism - 93

Still got low grades for Physics and Trigo. Well, never did like math. Ha. Whatever.

...

We had our half-day session last Friday. Our guidance counselor had our class sit in a circle. We were instructed to write our names on a piece of paper, then had them passed around, where each person will write something about you. Here's some of the messages I've got, and boy, was I surprised! Never knew many liked me pala (A note though: I did not translate some of the messages so that the mood when it was written will not be lost):

>> Twinkle, what can I say? Alam mo naman na I see you as an amazing person, my idol, my very great friend, my teacher...thank you! You're special to me always and forever kahit magaling ka pa magsulat...you have an amazing soul! -- Cristina

>> Ang batang all-around! As in! Galing na friend, galing na student, galing na daughter/sister, at of course, galing na ed-in-chief! I'll never forget you! -- Karen

>> Twinx, salamat sa lahat ng ginawa mo para sa akin. Sa mga pagtulong mo. I won't forget you, you never changed since grade three! Thanks! -- Rosa

>> Twinkle, musta na po? Salamat po sa lahat-lahat...sa mga advice mo sa akin sa acads at sa lahat...thankful ako dahil kahit papaano naging friend kita lalo na nun nagka-prob ako...sinalo mo ako...=) Love yah! -- Pam

>> Idol. Grabe bait. Grabe talino. Kahit di tayo close, masasabi ko na you're a great person. Ok, count me in sa mga admirers mo since nakita ko site mo. Galing! Ingat! -- Becky

>> Hi Twinx! Thanks so much for being a nice friend to me. I hope that you'll be able to endure or to face whatever comes your way. You're a strong person, Twinx, and a great friend too. You will always be remembered, specially by me. -- Kei

>> Ei, thanks for everything: for being a good adviser sa lahat, for being logical palagi, for being amazingly human kahit di ka ma-reach ng mere mortals...astig ka! Hope you become a successful person in the future lalo na in doing what you love best! Love ya! -- Casey

>> Our respected editor. You have wisdom beyond your age yet you are still perfectly one of us. We respect you for that. -- Catelyn

>> Twinkle! Thanks sa lahat. Kung alam mo lang, sobrang lucky ko for knowing you. Thanks for believing in me! Lam ko na dami kang ginagawa pero remember na kailangan mo rin ng pahinga minsan. Good luck sa yo! -- Kitel

>> Twinkle! Hoy! Thank you sa lahat! Grabe, simula first year pa lang, all I can say is that you're a true leader. Kahit hindi ka na nag-OS, I believe in you talaga. Ala naman yun sa grades. You're a great person just by being yourself. You balance your time with your friends, and school, etc. Syempre Theresian ed-in-chief ka pa. Idol! -- Ling

>> Twinkle, Hi, musta ka na? Ei sana friends pa rin tayo kahit college na kasi hirap humanap ng friend na katulad mo. Would you believe na childhood friend kita. I love you, Twinx! Sana wag ka magbago, sana after 10 years ganun ka pa rin. Haha -- Patricia

>> Twinkle, para sa akin ikaw ang pinakamagaling na editor-in-chief! Sobrang mami-miss kita kasi ang bait bait mo sa kin kaya kita love eh...hehe! Pag may umaway sa yo, sabihin mo sa akin para masapak ko! -- Christa

>> Salamat sa lahat! Dahil sa yo bilang director namin sa play, naging si Captain Hook ako...dun ko nalaman na marunong pala akong umarte! Ingat! Love You! -- Ara

>> Ei! Twinkle! Thanks for being a good friend and being a good classmate! You've been a good influence in my life. True...just a text away. Love you, girl! Take Care -- Popo

>> Twinx! Hi! Thanks sa pagtanggap sa akin sa Theresian Staff! Thanks sa pagpapangiti sa akin. You're a great person! -- Jayne

Whew! There's a lot more, but here are the gist of it. Whoa. It overwhelms me so, never knew that many people liked me pala. Haha.

2003-01-11T06:04:00.000-08:00

Yes!

I am proud to say that I've passed Ateneo De Manila University. ^^,

3 down, 2 schools to go. I'm so happy! Life's perfect. ^^, Suddenly, everything's falling into place.

Thank you, Lord.

2003-01-06T04:16:00.000-08:00

Help!

Can you give me some love songs / ballads...not particularly sad. I'm having a friend record some songs in a CD. Hope you can help me out in this one. I want songs which have profound lines, or nice meanings and everything...and oh, could it be a slow one? Old or recent, it's okay with me.

Please leave them in the comment box. I would really appreciate it. Thanks. ^^,

2003-01-05T09:34:00.000-08:00

Hey, this is me. Read on. Here are the number meanings to guide you. I've underlined some sentences / words / phrases that got to me, and somehow, are infinitely true.

...

Name Analysis: Erica Clariz Cerdeña De Los Reyes

Expression: 7
The Expression number shows us who we truly are, what we came into this life already knowing. This is where we feel most comfortable and how we automatically act. We attract people and situations to us that require our Expression so that they can further evolve. In this way we play the role of teacher. Naturally we are attracted to occupations that we resonate to, so the Expression number can be a strong factor in our choice of a career as well. Our Expression is the vehicle, with all its virtues and vices, that drives us along the path of our Destiny. It is the essence of our identity.

Yours is the path of the mind. Silence and solitude are your doorways into the deep recesses of the mind and the universe. You are the philosopher, the analyst, the seeker and if you'd be willing, the teacher. The time and energy that you spend discovering the microscopic core of things has gifted you with the ability to tap into psychic energy. It is with this energy that you can separate the true from the false.

Soul Urge: 3
The Soul Urge number has also been called Heart's Desire and Spiritual Urge. It is our secret, innermost longing. Our dream, our motivation, the fuel that energizes our journey. The Soul Urge number reveals what we secretly strive to be or accomplish. Some have said that this number tells us what we have been in previous lifetimes, the accumulated growth of our soul.

Your urge is to bring hope, joy and beauty to all you meet. You feel the best when you are in beautiful and comfortable surroundings. You have a creative essence and use your inspiration and imagination to make others happy. You enjoy attention and admiration, and you desire recognition for your talents.

Persona: 4
The Persona number describes the way we appear to the outside world, the first impression people have of us. We may not even be aware of how we are perceived by others because we are so often focused on our inner world, and many times the inner does not match the outer. Persona gives us a peek at some hidden talents we have. The talents that we use to get along in the world and in some instances, protect us from it. It is likened to a bag of tools (jewels) that we carry with us along the way.

You appear to be conservative, practical and hard working to those who spend time around you. People think of you as disciplined and focused, and thus they seem to automatically trust that you are reliable and honest too. Some may think you do such a good job at your own responsibilities that they try to give you a few of theirs!

-----------------------------------

Natal Analysis: March 15, 1986

Personal Year: 5
The 5 vibration brings a desire for freedom of movement, speech, and thought. Freedom to follow wherever the 5 senses lead. Travel, adventure, education, and communication are likely interests at this time. Changes are constant and the freedom to move with these changes is very important. Love affairs, sex, indulgences of every kind are a part of this vibration. This is the time to explore and investigate. You are accumulating knowledge and experience for the rest of your journey.

Personal Month: 6
This is the month for harmony. Give loving advise when it's asked for. Re-decorate the family room. Go house shopping. Volunteer to help the needy. Feed a stray animal.

Personal Day: 11
Today is a good day to make like an angel and bless somebody! You are inspired and surrounded by white light so wear rainbow colors and listen to your intuition. Spiritual things are flowing smoothly today.

Destiny: 6
The Destiny number describes the life lessons that we have come here to learn. It reveals to us the path we must take, and the role we must play to fulfill our mission. Often our choice of career is based on this vibration, and if not, then it will manifest through avocational pursuits. We may attract people and experiences into our lives that mirror the traits of this number for us, so that we may develop into our highest potential. We don't always welcome our life lessons, so it is a possibility that we may even feel an aversion to the characteristics of our Destiny number in other people, and we may ourselves act the opposite. In spite of the many ways we may choose to react to this force within us, we have been gifted with all of the talents and energy needed to fulfill our Destiny.

Fairness, compassion and comfort are the gifts you are here to bestow. Those needing care and nurturing will naturally be drawn to you. Whether it be human or animal it is your destiny to empathize, heal and resolve conflict. You have all of the tools to make your world a more beautiful and loving place. Domestic responsibility, aesthetic arts, and fair judgment are some of the qualities you are here to express.

-----------------------------------

Cycles
The destiny is divided into 3 great cycles, each governing us for specific durations throughout our life. The Seed cycle begins at birth and colors our experiences through childhood and adolescence. During the year nearest our 28th birthday, we move into the Fruit cycle which remains throughout the middle part of our life until the year nearest our 56th birthday, and the Harvest cycle carries on from there. Taken all together, the cycles show us our particular path that will lead to the fulfillment of our destiny.

Seed: 3
A child under this cycle tends to be very expressive. They talk and sing and dance in circles. Three's love to be noticed, and will usually be appearance conscious from early on. As teens, they usually write, draw or paint very well, and a telephone seems to grow out of their ear.

Fruit: 6
This cycle is about responsibility, duty, and serving one's fellow man. This nurturing is usually begun at home, as domesticity gives the 6 much pleasure. Beauty and harmony are sought and even fought for. The 6 may have a career as a decorator, beautician, chef, nurse or landscape architect. The most important thing during this cycle, however, is the maintaining of a happy and harmonious home life.

Harvest: 6
During this cycle you are likely to be surrounded by loved ones, neighbors, flowers, and pets. All revolves around your home and the magnetism of your warmth and love. Helping those in need is a common aim for the 6, and it is a good time to volunteer or organize fund raisers for your favorite charities.

-----------------------------------

Pinnacles
The four pinnacles reveal the high spots or heights of attainment that we are likely to encounter as we move along the path of our life. The 1st pinnacle lasts from birth to around age 28. The 2nd pinnacle lasts for 9 years after that. the 3rd pinnacle lasts 9 more years, and the 4th pinnacle carries on through the rest of our life. The peak of the pinnacle is reached during the next 1 personal year. Pinnacles are like sudden inheritances from a benevolent aunt, they can transform the prevailing energies completely and suddenly. It is useful to look ahead and prepare for our pinnacles so that we can maximize their gifts to us and shape them into the most positive manifestation.

First Pinnacle: 9
Inspiration is very accessible now and works of genius can be born. This is a time for self-less service and working for the good of all. As the 1st pinnacle, 9's are often romantic seekers of the "perfect love". Poets, dreamers, and prophets.

Second Pinnacle: 3
Money, travel, friends and mind expansion are all highlighted and a birth of some kind is likely to occur, either a literal child-birth, the birth of an artistic creation, or the re-birth of the self on a higher level.

Third Pinnacle: 3
Words are extremely powerful now and literary talents can blossom. You are center stage, and are magnetically attracting allies. Appearances are important and efforts to improve and/or maintain them will be easier than ever.

Fourth Pinnacle: 9
Some call the 9 vibration "payday". All of the experiences before now have accumulated into a sense of understanding or knowing, and it is a good time to share your knowledge with others.

-----------------------------------

Challenges
The three challenges show us the major influences demanding our attention during specific sections of our lifetime. The 1st challenge influences the years from birth to age 28. The 2nd challenge takes over from age 28 to 52, and the third affects us our whole life. Challenges shape our attitudes and can affect our health. These vibrations that challenge us, cause either an exaggeration of the associated qualities or a lack of them, both of which are extremes which need to be brought into balance.

First Challenge: 3
3 challenge children are either too doted on or too neglected by their parents. They are usually an only child, the only boy or only girl or the oldest or youngest. They may have played the role of "friend" to their parents. It is due to this that they learn to perform, and please for love. As they grow up the 3 sees themselves as a fairy princess or handsome prince one day and an ugly duckling the next. They are on the constant lookout for signs of approval.

Second Challenge: 0
0 challenge holders are either the one's who give every last bit of all they are given to those who "need it more" i.e. anybody, or they feel so deprived of their essential needs that they refuse to give at all. They sometimes feel an inner panic at the thought of growing older which leads them to do whatever it takes to feel young. This may lead them to marry a much older person or a much younger one, or it may manifest in a child-like "fairy tale" outlook and behavior. Inside, they know that they are very wise and when they are fearless, they can bring powerful messages of hope to the world.

Third Challenge: 3
The 3 is the challenge of expression. It is telling us to stop standing in the corner and to get out in the limelight. Dance, sing, paint, write, act, laugh and shower our gifts of creative inspiration on all the people around us. Those with the 3 challenge are usually shy or unsure of their talents and afraid of criticism. Personal appearance is also an issue with this challenge, as insecurity about one's appearance can lead to too much or too little emphasis upon it. A balance needs to be found between extravagance and mousiness, and it helps to remember that other people are much too concerned about themselves to be judging our looks or talents very seriously.

2003-01-05T09:23:00.000-08:00

I didn't know that the date was 01-04-03. 143. I love you. Does that mean anything?

I have never been this happier. Thank you. And yes, I'm missing you right now.

2003-01-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

God has been good to me. I could never really ask for more than this. What else could I say to you, than

my life has meaning now, more than ever.

2003-01-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

Pisces
Feb. 18 - Mar. 19

After the difficulties of the past two years, 2003 could come as the light at the end of the tunnel, or the release from a long period of tension. Though there will be a few bumps in the road - delays in attainment of certain ambitions, insecurities resulting from the intensity of a love affair, the tendency to overindulge in life's pleasures - for the most part this will be a great year for you, relatively free from setbacks or catastrophes, and full of wonderful things that most people only dream of. Your love life will definitely be on an upswing, whether you're just starting a relationship or are trying to inject new life into a long-term one. If you're single, romance will come into your life suddenly and unexpectedly, and if you play your cards right, this new involvement could be with you for a long time.

Career advancement seems to be low on your list of priorities, taking second chair to your love life and to your intellectual, spiritual, and creative aspirations. Yet this doesn't mean you don't continue to do well on the job. You will. You just aren't that concerned with rising to the top of the ladder. Your health should blossom, and so should your self-esteem. What's particularly important is that for most of the year anyway, you believe in yourself far more than you have for a long time. Though you may have moments of panicky self-doubt, they won't last, and by the end of the year you'll probably be proud of the person you've become.

...

here's my life, in a summary of a few lines from some meaningful songs:

"These precious illusions inside my head
Did not let me down when I was defenseless...
I've spend so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode..."
- Precious Illusions, Alanis Morisette

"This will all fall down like everthing else that was, this too shall pass
And all of the words we said, we can't take back..."
- Last Beautiful Girl, Matchbox Twenty

"The world's a roller coaster, and I am not strapped in.
Maybe I should hold with care, but my hands are too busy in the air."
- I Wish You Were Here, Incubus

"...Sometimes the pain is the doorway to peace of mind
No matter how hard you try, you just can't rewind
Now that you know, where do you go?"
- Looking for A Place to Land, Dakota Moon

"...What's wrong with being happy?
Kudos to those who see through sickness, yeah...
...I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal..."
- Warning, Incubus

"There she stumbles, falling to her knees - I think she tripped on reality."
- Perfect Day, Collective Soul

"They love to tell you, 'Stay inside the lines'
But something's better on the other side"
- No Such Thing, John Mayer

"I'll stand before you, accused of many crimes
But I want to believe that love can still survive..."
- Honestly, Harem Scarem

"I cannot catch my breath, so throw the beauty on the fire
Don't push me too hard, limitation scars..."
- Beauty on the Fire, Natalie Imbruglia

"Sometimes I wish that I could be the person that you are
Just for a minute, long enough that I can break your heart..."
- Did You Understand That, Willa Ford

"Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face - this pain you gave to me."
- Blurry, Puddle of Mudd

"Why would I chase your shadow all my life and be afraid of my own?"
- Spin, Lifehouse

"I fail to inhale, your love constricts my chest..."
- Satellie, P.O.D.

Ha. I've come this far. And I'll keep on pushing forward. To hell with all the people who make my life miserable.

2002-12-30T11:04:00.000-08:00

I have reviewed my life at this time of the night. In fact, it's three a.m. in the morning already. If you have read me, my thoughts, my pain, my life - went here checking to see if I'm alright, being a friend, giving advice, even clicking my archives to track back my past - then I believe you have watched me blunder my chances, grow up, get mad, cry, hurt. Even if somehow you don't understand me, you have been a silent companion; my blog alone stands as witness to that.

I haven't had a good life as yet. 2002 brought me the biggest pain and hardship I could ever have imagined. But it also gave me the most wonderful friends I could treasure, and a sense of well-being, albeit not entirely sufficient for me to feel good about myself entirely. Nevertheless, I plan to look on ahead with, fortunately enough, hope. I hope you bear with me and join me in my journey of self-discovery: My Life As I See It.

DON'T STOP DANCING
(Creed)

At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again
BUT I KNOW I MUST GO ON
ALTHOUGH I HURT I MUST BE STRONG
BECAUSE INSIDE I KNOW THAT MANY FEELS THIS WAY

Chorus:
Children don't stop dancing
Believe you can fly away...Away

At times life is unfair and you know it's plain to see
HEY GOD I KNOW I'M JUST A DOT IN THIS WORLD
HAVE YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME?
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again
BUT I KNOW I MUST GO ON
ALTHOUGH I HURT I MUST BE STRONG
BECAUSE INSIDE I KNOW THAT MANY FEELS THIS WAY

Bridge:
Am I hiding in the shadows?
Forget the pain and forget the sorrows
But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way

Repeat chorus and bridge

2002-12-29T10:44:00.000-08:00

Ahem.

I have two schools!

I was able to pass De La Salle University-Manila and am just awaiting the letter of admission come January. I was also able to pass University of Asia and the Pacific and am just one step towards admission - I still have to go through an interview. ^_^

Anyway, I'm still awaiting for the verdict of these following schools:
University of the Philippines - Diliman
Ateneo de Manila University and
University of Sto. Tomas

I have to know before I make my choice. ^^, I really DO want to pass in the school that matters to me. Please, please, God. I've been on a vigil since early December.

2002-12-26T08:37:00.000-08:00

I have a school!

I just found out earlier:

(click to enlarge)

1 down, 4 schools to go - I hope to pass them all! ^^,

2002-12-24T07:44:00.000-08:00

Just came home from the church. In a few minutes' time
it would be Christmas already! I have nothing to offer
you all except visit all your blogs, and greet you a
very Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my heart! ^^,
Oh, and here's a very wonderful song for you:

The Christmas Song
(Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletow
Help to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded with lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh
And ev'ry mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really know how to fly

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
"Merry Christmas to you..."

Have a wonderful Christmas! Happy Holidays and God Bless You!

2002-12-23T05:21:00.000-08:00

Two days before Christmas! I can't wait!

We prepared something to eat for tomorrow's Noche Buena a while ago. Noche Buena has been in our Philippine tradition since time immemorial. ^^,

Here's some links for those of you who are interested in learning more:
Noche Buena
Filipino Christmas Feasts
Philippine Festivals
Have Yourself A Pinoy Christmas
Philippine Holidays

Oh, and to all of my fellow Pinoy friends, here's something to do this Christmas season (that is, if you dont have something already planned beforehand):
Philippine Festivals and Events
...

And here's a timely Filipino Christmas Carol ^^,

NOCHE BUENA

Kay sigla ng gabi ang lahat ay kay saya
Nagluto ang ate ng manok at tinola
Sa bahay ng kuya ay mayroong litsunan pa
Ang bawa't tahanan may handang iba't iba

Tayo na giliw, magsalo na tayo
Mayroon na tayong tinapay at keso
Di ba Noche Buena sa gabing ito
At bukas ay araw ng Pasko

...

Sorry, I can't translate that one. ^^,

2002-12-21T00:18:00.000-08:00

Woooohoooo! No more school for at least another two weeks! The last three days have been very tiring, and I was glad that school is temporarily over. With all that buzz, god, I've missed my bed soooooo much! Haha

...

Physics exam was a nightmare, and I have a very bad feeling that I flunked that one. It was soooooooooooooooo hard! Man. Almost all of us in class dread to see the results when we come back. The exam in Religion wasn't so hard as I've expected, but I was major stumped when it came to the church encyclicals. That was hard. Come English, I was ready to drop off my seat - I was so sleepy by then! I spent the whole night studying the whole book of Dante's Inferno, memorizing almost all of the characters. But when I received the test papers, I looked at them and saw that only thing that I should have studied was the contrapassos (punishments)! I really wanted to kill my teacher by then. Add to the fact that I didnt learn anything from her, and that I did all the learning on my own, it was really frustrating. Anyways, it was our intramurals later in the afternoon and the following day. I was able to vent out all my negative emotions there.

...

We won by the way. I guess all that pent-up emotions were worth it. Haha. Friday I got to receive the certificate, because I was the team captain of one team. And then, we exchanged gifts in the classroom, and we got to go home early. Nothing pretty exciting happened after though, was just glad to be home at last.

...

Am thinking of moving my blog to http://www.tk. Have registered a domain there already. Waiting to see though if I can tinker with it and not find any difficulty. Plus, I've still got to work on the website of my class. Whew! What I wouldnt do for my friends.

...

Oh, and here's an interesting smiley for you all:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2002-12-17T03:52:00.000-08:00

I had my exam in Trigonometry, Economics and Filipino today. I got exactly one hour of sleep, and that was from 4-5 this morning. I spent the whole night studying. Darn. Because of that, I didn't get to go to mass. . No more wishes for me.

...

For those of you who don't know, it has always been in the Philippine tradition to attend midnight mass for nine days, starting on the 16th of December. When you're lucky enough to complete them, you get to have a wish. Well, not everybody believes in them, but I do. .

...

Trigonometry was not that hard, but I didnt breeze through that one. It was an excruciating one hour-and-a-half exam, and I never wish to see any trigonometric function again, nor angles of depression and elevation ever again! Ha. Economics had me gritting my teeth. It was easy, but I think I made a glitch in the part where we were supposed to compute for the balance of payments. Dang. Filipino, meanwhile, was a walk in the park. Hehehehe. Now, for tomorrow, it's going to be Physics, English, and Religion. I've still got a lot of studying to do - I only went online today to send my review notes for Dante's Inferno to my classmates. Last day of exams tomorrow, so I hope I can finish all of them earlier so I can sleep. *sigh* I feel soooooooooo tired!

...

Again, a very big THANK YOU to those who visits my blog even if I'm not around much. To Jean ( pwede ba kita tawaging ate? ), Jake, Jade, Karen, Demi, Hannah, and Chesca for coming by here once again. I really appreciate it, you guys.

...

Congratulations, by the way, to my dear friend Ganns and his newly-wedded wife, Cathy, who got married last December 7, 2002. You go, guys! May you have lots of God's blessings to guide you through your new-found happiness. .

...

Fairie has been reading my blog for some time now and I just found out that she can't read Tagalog. Whew. Please forgive me, I didn't know. Was surprised that there are people too from other countries who read this! Haha. Please excuse my ignorance. Will try to speak in English more often, or if not, translate what I'm saying for others. Hehe.

Have a great day, everyone!

2002-12-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

It's close to one in the morning and I'm still up and about. I'm studying for my exams this week. Wish me luck! ^^,

...

Just a few more hours and then I'm off to church for the simbang gabi. I'm not much a stickler to Philippine tradition, but this is something I'm hoping to really complete yet. Brrr. I hope I'll survive the cold, and then maybe cajole my parents into buying some bibingka and puto-bumbong.

...

Didnt know that there were so many people who visits my blog! A very big THANK YOU for all those who took time to read about my life. One thing though, please, please, leave me a link so that I could add you. ^_^

2002-12-12T09:45:00.000-08:00

happy birthday,
albert!

Haha.

Love you, dude. Enjoy this day, and God Bless. ^_^

2002-12-12T06:19:00.000-08:00

He called me up early this morning before I went to school.

It was a surprise, really, but I never felt so deliriously happy. Haha. I practically skipped the whole day, and smiled a lot (which was an occasion!). Plus, I got a perfect score in my hands-on periodical exam in Computer about C+ Language, and in my oral exam in Music, in which I have to sing solo. Haha! Makes me wonder now. Dude, best friend kita ever. Hehe. Sana makatawag ka often. Hirap tumawag diyan sa US eh. Ingat ka lagi ha.

And oh, since I was giddy and everything, I though it wouldn't hurt for me to indulge in a love story. After a quick nap when I got home, I watched this:

Oh, and pardon me, I JUST HAD TO POST THIS SONG!

Passenger Seat (Stephen Speaks)

i look at her and have to smile as we go driving for a while
her hair blowing in the open windows of my car
as we go, the traffic lights, i watch them glimmer in her eyes
in the darkness of the evening, and

{i've got all that i need right here in the passenger seat
and i can't keep my eyes on the road knowing that she's inches from me}

we stop to get something to drink my mind clouds and i can't think
scared to death to say i love her
then the moon peeks from the clouds i hear my heartbeat it's so loud
try to tell her simply, that

{i've got all that i need right here in the passenger seat
and i can't keep my eyes on the road knowing that she's inches from me}

Wala lang. Hopeless Romantic ako ever. Haha. ^^,

2002-12-09T03:07:00.000-08:00

Sabi Na Nga Ba

Alam mo, pare, ang labo mo. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang problema. Sabi na nga ba magiging ganito tayo eh.

Bakit ka ganyan? Nanahimik naman ako noon. Magkaibigan lang tayo, at may kanya-kanya tayong buhay. May minamahal akong iba, at kuntento naman akong makinig sa mga problema mo tungkol sa mga babeng minahal mo. Okey pa tayo noon. Pero bakit kailangan mo pang gulantangin ako at sabihing mahal mo ako? Hindi pa ba sapat na andun lang ako sa tabi mo lagi?

Oo, gumulo ang buhay ko. Mahal ko siya, pero nasa malayo ang kinalalagyan niya. Wala siya dito, kaya mahirap. Mukhang wala kaming pag-asa. Isa pa, matalik ko siyang kaibigan. Ikaw naman, may malasakit ako sa yo, at andito ka lang. Pumasok tuloy sa isipan ko yung sinabi sa akin – “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Kaya pinag-isipan ko nang mabuti.

Nag-alangan nga ako kung patutuluyin ba kita sa buhay ko. Ayaw ko kasing maging panakip-butas ka lang sakaling nalulungkot lang ako dahil nangungulila ako para sa kanya. Gusto ko kapag humarap ako sa iyo, buo akong nagmamahal, at walang ibang pangalang tumatakbo sa isipan ko.

Kaya kinausap ko siya. Ipinagtapat ko lahat – na nanliligaw ka, at gusto kitang bigyan ng lugar sa buhay ko. Sinabi ko pa na hindi ka mahirap mahalin at pinag-usapan namin kung ano na ang magiging lagay namin sa isa’t isa. Sinaktan ko siya dahil sa pinagtapat ko. Kahit na walang kasiguraduhan na sasagutin kita, sinabi ko na baka mahulog ako sa yo dahil iba na yung klase ng atensyon na ibinabaling mo sa akin.

Iniyakan pa kita. Nangalumata dahil kulang ako sa tulog. Hindi pa ako naka-concentrate sa mga klase ko dahil iniisip kita. Kahit na sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, wag ka na, sabi ko, hindi, bibigyan kita ng pagkakataon. Kasi baka sa yo ko matagpuan yung kaligayahan na hinahanap ko. Hindi man kita mahal, matutunan ko rin balang-araw.

Tapos, ano na ngayon ang nangyari? Nagkita lang tayo, ayaw mo na. Sabi mo, hindi ka na muna manliligaw. Bakit?

Oo alam ko, nung sandaling naghiwalay na tayo at kumakain na ako mag-isa, naisip ko na hindi kita kayang sagutin. Kasi hindi ikaw ang mahal ko.

Pero “putting off the panliligaw thing” - alam mo ba yung ginawa mo? Eh kung hindi ka sure in the first place, eh di sana hindi mo na lang sinabe di ba? Kailangan pang mag-suffer ang pagkakaibigan natin, pati yung pagkakaibigan namin ng matalik kong kaibigan. Hindi na sana nagkanda-leche leche ang buhay ko. Kinuha ko pa yung risk na piliin ka, dahil naiipit na ako sa inyo. Tapos sasabihin mo ngayon ayaw mo muna pala.

Tangina, ano ba ako sa buhay mo? Sabi mo pa noon feeling mo epal ka sa aming dalawa, sinabi ko pa na hindi, best friends lang kami. I was always reassuring you about your place in my life. As in talagang pinag-isipan ko kasi feeling ko it's only fair to give you a chance tapos after the risk I took, ganito lang? Di ko tuloy alam kung panghihinayangan kita, o yung nangyari sa atin these past few weeks. Para ano pa yung mga pag-uusap natin kung hindi ka rin naman pala manliligaw?

Nagpuyat pa ako para sa yo. Kinantahan pa kita sa telepono. Nag-ubos ako ng load at nag-ipon para makabili ulet para lang matxt kita. Nagsulat ng tungkol sa yo imbes na makinig nung Physics class ko. Nung mga panahon na itinulak ko paalis sa isipan ko yung matalik kong kaibigan, pinuno ko yung utak ko ng mga sinasabi mo sa akin. Talagang nag-isip ako. Nagdili-dili ako kung kaya ko bang harapin yung mga consequences nito, kung papapasukin pa kita sa puso ko. Tapos nun ako, panakip-butas lang pala sa yo. Natakot ako dati na baka mangyari yun sa yo, tapos ikaw pala ang gagawa nun sa akin.

Huwag mo nang i-deny. Obvious naman eh.

“What if I'm just waiting for an opportunity or luck that I can go up to somebody and tell her that I love her, and you happen to come along?” Nalulungkot ka lang pala, and I just happen to be at the right place and on the right time. Alam ko, doubts ko yan dati. Pero ang diperensya sa atin, ako wala pa akong ginagawa. Ikaw, sinabi mo na outright na mahal mo ako. Tapos hindi ka naman pala sigurado.

Nandoon ka sa malayo, tinatawag mo ako, ang kailangan ko na lang gawin ay lumakad papunta sa yo. Kaso, nung nakuha ko na yung lakas ng loob para humakbang paharap, bigla ko na lang naramdaman na tinutulak mo na pala ako pabalik. Wala pa nga akong nagagawa eh, ni-reject mo na ko. Tuloy, nag-resurface na naman lahat ng insecurities ko. I have this fear of rejection pa naman. Kaya yung ginawa ko, mahirap na bagay yun para sa akin dahil takot akong magtiwala.

Tapos this is what I get? Aayaw ka rin pala. Sabi na nga ba eh.

"And now it's time for me to move on once again. I need to stop looking at Twinkle as a possibility.” At ano naman to? Hoy, ano ako, casualty sa buhay mo? Bakit, may nangyari na ba? Wala nga eh. May ginawa ba ako sa yo?

Magtatanong ka kung galit ako. Magtatanong ka kung bakit ako ganito. Magtataka ka dahil parang wala sa lugar yung reaction ko. Hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit ako nag-iba. Bakit, ikaw lang ba ang may karapatan na maapektuhan? Nakita mo na kung paano ako sa mga taong may halaga sa buhay ko. Na-overwhelm ka ba at kinabahan dahil hindi ka sigurado kung totoo nga na mahal mo ako? Ang labo mo.

Ang dami mong tanong, ang dami mong doubts. Oo, kung mahal mo nga ako talaga, hindi mo na kailangan magtanong dahil alam mo na ang sagot. Wala nang mga tanong pa dahil everything would be pretty clear. You weren’t really in love with me? You were in love with love? Eh tangina. Ang fickle mo. Lumalabas tuloy ako ang naghihintay para sa sagot mo.

Di ba, sabi ko sa yo, andun na ko sa ledge. Comtemplating na lang kung tatalon o hindi. Kasi hindi ako sigurado kung andun ka sa baba para saluhin mo ako. Sabi mo naman dati, pangako mo pa, andun ka lang. Hindi ka aalis at maghihintay ka. Tapos ngayong ready na ko, bigla mo ibubungad sa akin na wag na, aakyat ka na lang at tatabi sa akin. Sasamahan mo akong umupo doon. Kung sakali mang may dumating na iba para sa akin, ok lang. Ano ako, hilo? Hindi na. Tatayo na ako at aalis na. Lalakad na ko palayo sa ledge na yon. Hindi ko masisikmura kung mangyaring nakapikit lang ako sandali ay itulak mo na ako. Huwag na lang. Tumayo ka na lang rin at bumalik ka na sa buhay mo.

Oo, binalik mo nga yung paniniwala ko kay Santa Claus, pero binalik mo rin yung mga fears ko. Sabi mo, ayaw mong masaktan, at ayaw mo ring makasakit ng iba. Too late, ang dami ko nang sugat sa mga sinabi mo. At imposible ring walang magbabago sa ating dalawa dahil nagbago na nang tuluyan ang lahat, sa ayaw mo at sa hindi. Wala na ring maibabalik sa dati.

Sayang lahat. Akala mo ba ganoon kadali bumalik sa square one?

Pero alam mo, ok naman na sana eh. Kaya pa naman. Kaso bigla mong ihihirit diyan na you’re now devising a plan to get to know another girl? Pucha, ano ako hot potato na biglang binitawan?

Ngayon, gusto mo, maging friends tayo ulet, bestfriends even. Pasensya na. Isa lang ang bestfriend ko, at sa tingin ko, sapat na siya.

Tinatanong nga ng kaibigan ko eh, ano ba ang love para sa iyo? Singko isang dosena? It's too strong a word to be said too early with too beautiful a meaning to be said too late daw. Bat mo na lang basta-basta binibitawan yun?

Nanghihinayang tuloy ako, for everything. Hindi naman tayo magkakaganito dapat eh. Ang tagal na kitang kaibigan, it would be a loss kung hindi natin naayos to.

Naalala mo pa ba ang mga linyang ito?

“Saying I love you, is not the words I want to hear from you…more than words is all you have to do to make it real, then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me, ‘cause I’d already know…” Sana ipinakita mo na lang. Sana hindi mo na lang sinabi.

“So you’re standing on the ledge, it looks like you might fall…have in me a little credit, have in me a little faith…” Ibinigay ko na lahat ng tiwalang mayroon ako sa yo. Nasayang lang.

“If I am, another waste of everything you’ve dreamed of, I will let you down…” Yun na nga ang ginawa mo. Kahit ano pang sorry ang gawin mo, nangyari na eh. Wala na tayo magagawa.

“I should be much too smart for this, you know it gets the better of me…” Hay.

Pasensya na kung ganito ako magsalita ngayon. Kahit anong pilit kong pagandahin ang mga salita ko, ito at ito pa rin ang lalabas, dahil gusto ko lang malaman mo yung totoong nararamdaman ko.

Have a good life, pare. Wag mo na lang muna ako isama.

2002-12-04T09:20:00.000-08:00

Hmmm. I have many problems yes.

Pero alam niyo naman ang sabi nila - when the going gets tough, the tough goes shopping!

haha. oh well. will buy gifts for friends on the 6th since there are no classes. and in the meantime, here's a new christmassy look. Merry Christmas, blog!

2002-11-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

“Alam mo, Twinkle, bilib ako sa ‘yo…buti nakaya mo pang pumasok ngayon. Kasi kung ako, hindi na siguro…”

That was one of the things one of my friends told me when I came to school crying. Yes, I had my eyes all red and puffed. I had spent the night crying and not getting any sleep for that matter.

Now what happened?

The night before (Thursday), I was texting a friend and busily making my homework. I was supposed to finish my term paper that night, and I have four quizzes the following day. I was dead tired because I haven’t got a decent sleep for the past few days, and I’ve been running a fever since Tuesday. Only, I did not find the time to rest nor take even a day of absence because I don’t have the time for it. My requirements demand that I make them regardless of what I’m feeling.

Suddenly, I heard shouting outside, and I got a very bad feeling. Those were the voices of my father, my mother, and my eldest sister. I told my friend that I will have to talk later, because I have to see what’s going on, and I’m afraid that it was not going to be pleasant.

I went out of my room and I have to quickly draw back, because my father was barreling through, dragging my sister with him. My mother followed them to their bedroom, and slammed the door. Alarmed, I placed my ear on the door and listened.

According to my sister (younger than me), my parents fetched my ate from school. When she came inside the car, she was texting like crazy. My father told her to stop that, but she didn’t listen. After sometime, my father suddenly grabbed her phone and tucked it inside his pocket. They drove in silence. While they were in the highway, my sister suddenly attacked my father to get her phone. Goodness. They were almost killed because my father was driving at the time. Tangina, ano bang meron sa telepono niya na ayaw niyang pakita? When they got home, my father opened her phone and read the messages inside her inbox.

Damn. They just found out that my eldest sister is having a relationship with a lesbian. And mind you, not an ordinary lesbian. The lesbian is working for one of the clients of my father, also one of his kumpare. She’s been to our house many times, to fix our computers and some things concerning electricity. She and my father are friends, so to speak. When my father found out that night that she and my sister are cavorting behind his back, under his nose, he got a blow. That was a damn betrayal.

For crying out loud, my sister is only eighteen, and she’s what – thirty five! Suddenly, the situation regarding my ex-best friend came into my mind. Damn, damn, damn.

I was crying then, as I listened to them. They were all shouting, and my sister was not budging. She was fighting and answering back. I heard my father slap her, and slap her he did. I heard it many times and I flinched at each one. I heard my mother telling him to stop, but he didn’t. My sister was crying but still, she answered back. I was pleading then, telling her to back down, to stop fighting him. Even my other sisters were crying. I heard a shout, and I could not take it, so I opened the door. I found my sister in bed and my father wringing her neck. I ran to my father and tried to held him back. My sisters and I pulled him off her. I was afraid of getting hit too, and I was mad at my sister for what she did, but I did not wish her to be beaten to death. We were all crying, except my father, but he was all red, and he was heaving. He was very, very, very mad. He shouted for us to go out. We brought him out with us.

My father was hurting I know, because as far as this is concerned, he is the most affected. Weeks ago, he and my sister had a heart-to-heart talk. He was asking her if he needed to know anything – if she has a relationship with someone or what, if she is hiding something, etc. My sister pacified his mind. He was happy then, because he got the chance to speak personally with my eldest sister, his favorite (I know that without him telling me, because I can see it). He said he need not worry now because he trusts her implicitly. I, sensing something wrong, told him not believe everything. It could be that my sister is still hiding something. He wouldn’t listen to me. Now that he has found this, he feels betrayed and used. To a parent, I know that this will be a failure on his part because he had done everything to raise us as good and honest women, with the best sense of values.

My sister, I don’t know what’s come over her. After being beaten like that, she managed to get up, go to our room, and text that damn lesbian to warn her of what happened. She used my phone without permission. Then she got a bag, then told us that she will just leave the house, leave us all. Maglalayas daw siya. And for me, that was damn arrogant of her. After providing her with everything – from the best college educational plan to a school which has the highest tuition fee in the country (UA&P), ganun-ganun na lang ang sasabihin niya. Aalis na daw siya dahil ayaw na daw niya dito sa men. Hindi na ren daw niya kaya dun sa eskwelahan niya. I asked her what about us, her sisters and her family, she told me: Pakialam ko sa inyo. And I could just tell her – Damn you! How dare you say that to me, to us? You were provided everything! If you take a look at us four sisters, you are the most privileged here, because you are the eldest! Did you think everything that they spend for your needs is free? Eh tangina, sino ba ate dito? Matatawag ka pa bang ate niyan? Ikaw ang pinakamatanda sa ating lahat pero hindi ka nag-iisip! San ka pupunta? Itatapon mo na lang ang kinabukasan mo? Ang yabang mo! Kala mo malayo na mararating mo, bakit may pera ka ba para mabuhay nang mag-isa? Ano bang ginawa sa yo ng mga magulang mo para magkaganyan ka? Binigay na nga sayo lahat eh! Ang selfish mo! Sarili mo lang iniisip mo! Kung lalayas ka lang at hindi mo na ipagpapatuloy ang pag-aaral mo, sana hindi ka na lang talaga nag-college! Sinayang mo lang yung plano! Pwede ko pa sana gamitin yun! Ako, ako na nag-aaral ng mabuti kasi nahihiya ako sa mga magulang ko dahil ang daming hirap ang iginugol nila para makapag-aral ako, hindi pwede and educational plan sa private universities! Class B lang yung aken, pang-public lang. Kung magpa-private university ako, kelangan pa nilang magbayad pa. Akala mo ba mura ang tuition ngayon? Akala mo ba mayaman tayo? Sa UST ka pinapag-aral pero ayaw mo dun, gusto mo sa UA&P na ang mahal mahal. Sinunod lahat ng gusto mo! Binili lahat sa yo samantalang kami ng mga kapatid mo wala! Tapos ngayon sasabihin mo hindi mo na kaya don? Na ayaw mo na? Anong klase ka? Palibhasa kasi kaya nagsisibabaan ang grades mo, hindi ka naman nag-aaral! Wala kang ginawa kundi atupagin yang tibo na yan! Niloko niyo lang kaming lahat!

I was really crying then, pleading her not to go. She struck me, because I was blocking her way, but I did not budge. I got out of the room and locked the door. She was shouting, screaming at us – to let her go. She doesn’t want to be with us.

When my other sister who is younger than me came into the room, my sister told her a shocking truth – that our youngest sister, is only our half-sister. When we were kids, our mother had an affair with an office mate, and she got pregnant. To make the long story short, the father of our younger sister was another man. I wasn’t shocked, because I knew of this a long time ago, when I was only ten. Only difference was, my parents didn’t know that I know. I try for it not to affect me, and I’ve survived until today. I just couldn’t bear the look of disbelief and pain in my younger sister’s face when she found out about it. She got out of the room immediately. I faced my eldest sister and told her, anong gusto mong palabasin? Bakit kailangan mong guluhin yung utak ng bata, eh nananahimik yun? Kailangan mo bang gumanti ngayon sa mga magulang mo kasi nabunyag na yung sikreto mo? Kailangan mo rin sirain yung paniniwala ng bata sa mga magulang niya? Anong purpose mo? Tapos na yun eh. Anong klase ka? Ikaw ang involved dito, hindi sila! Ang immature mo! Parang hindi kita ate!

I found my mother in her room, crying. I found my sisters in their room, crying too. I found my father in his office. He was holding a canister of wine, drinking himself to a stupor. And he was crying too. Damn. I told him to take it easy. Eventually he put the flask away, went to the bedroom, slept.

I was crying too. I cried so hard. My head was aching, and I could not do any homework. My mind could not concentrate. My mother came out briefly and told me to watch out for my sister since she might attempt to go out when all of us were asleep.

And it figures, I did not get to sleep that night. I was crying all night long. I did not get to make my term paper, nor study for the four quizzes.

The next morning, my father told my sister that she is not going to school anymore. She retaliated by having a hunger strike the whole day.

When I got to school, my friends couldn’t help but notice me. I can’t tell them. I only cried. I got a headache, and I couldn’t keep up. I was running a fever the whole day again, but I refuse to go to the clinic and miss my classes. I flunked all my tests, and I didn’t get to pass my term paper. Later in the afternoon, I’ve still got a meeting, so I wasn’t able to go home and rest. When I got home I was planning to do more homework but I fell asleep.

This morning, my sister again attempted to go out. We stopped her of course. In her pocket we found money, a few of her friend’s numbers, and pictures of that damn lesbian. We also found out that she had already set up her own bank account and she had an ATM card. And the gall, she handed them all to the lesbian! Shit. Shit talaga.

My father was once again enraged, and he beat her again. This time, he managed not only to hurt her, but also me, who was holding him and preventing him on doing something we might all regret. Until now, my chest hurts. He managed to hit me there accidentally.

Then his voice broke and he told her, “Akala mo ba ninanakaw ko yang perang pinambabayad ko sa edukasyon mo? Kala mo hindi ko pinaghihirapan yan lahat? Nagsikap akong mabigay sa yo lahat tapos ganito lang? Akala mo ba libre yan lahat? Putangina mo, panganay pa naman kita! Lahat na pinagkatiwala at binigay ko sayo! Tapos ganito lang? Nag-usap na tayo dati ah. Pinagtatawanan mo lang ako siguro nun noh, dahil naniwala ako sa mga kasinungalingan mo? Anong klase ka, hayop ka!”

I was hurting for my father, and also my sister, but I do not know what to do. I was once again crying. I could not stop. Even tonight, as I write this. Now, all the extra responsibility falls on me. As the second child, I am to be the eldest now. I do not know if I can handle this together with the pressures in school as the editor-in-chief of the school paper. I am also staggering to put my grades up. I had a downslide due to what happened with my ex-best friend. My parents are also expecting me to be on the honor roll this graduation. And I can’t. No matter how I tried, I can’t.

For the love of God, why does this have to happen now? Now, when Christmas is just weeks away? Will we ever be a family again? I believe in shooting stars and Santa Claus and miracles. Pero ewan ko kung may lakas pa ako para maniwala pa. Ayoko na, pagod na rin ako. Am I starting to be disillusioned by life? Is this what happens to make you stop believing?

I knew it. I was happy a few weeks ago. Still there was an underlying fear that it might not last. And I was right. I’m resigned to this fact now, I can accept it. I do not anymore wish for my own happiness, because every time I do, and every time that it comes true, the pain that will come hurtling back will be much more than I could take. This is the price I have to pay by wishing to be happy. Maybe I’m doomed not to be happy. So please, stay away from me. I’m bad luck.

I do not long how long I could keep on going on. Even if my mind is still conditioned not to fail me, my body and my heart is. I’m bone tired. Even my soul is tired.

Is there a God?

...

This is a very private matter to me. I only put it up because I need to vent. I will eventually delete this post, but for now, I will let my friends read what I could not manage to say. Please, be discreet. I am hurting now, and I do not wish to take more problems, if ever.

2002-11-27T11:57:00.000-08:00

I Stayed Up Late and I Couldn't Stop Crying

You know how it is about me - how I go on sleeping late and torture myself with stress. I'm a glutton for punishment, so sue me.

Tonight though, I got a little backtracked. Well, maybe two hours worth of it. I sat in front of the television, and at one o'clock way past midnight, I bawled my eyes out while watching a movie. I know. Call me sappy. Call me anything you want, but I DO cry at these things.

I am at most sentimental, and very sensitive. I'm soft-hearted, and often feel things deeply. This one really hit me. I dont know if it has anything to do with what has been happening to my life for the past week, or to the fact that I was alone and it was midnight and it was a very good time to vent out my feelings by crying, or to the sadness and feeling of emptiness that has been nagging me for the past few MONTHS.

Frankly, I dont know what I'm looking for, but I know I'm searching for something. To feel this void inside me, maybe?

Two hours have gone. The movie is over. But I'm still crying, I dont know why. Yes, I know, pathetic. If a guy can stand me like this, and can sit through the whole flick with me holding my hand while crying my heart out at sappy movies - Lord help me, I'm going to love him forever.

If he can put up with my moments of silliness and stupidity, if he can endure my crankiness and moodiness without so much as a complaint, if he can continue to surprise me with little things, if he can make me smile always with his thoughtfulness, if he can make me feel special and beautiful without doubting his words and actions - I'm going to be in so deep.

If he can see that I drown in sweetness and would welcome it willingly if the chance comes, if he can just look at me and I will know that I am loved, if I look all around me and see that everything in my world is going as I would have like because he's in my world - then oh, forgive me, I really am going to fall.

*sigh* Somehow the movie penetrated through my heart tonight. I am so lonely. =( God. Make this stop.

...

ONLY TIME
Enya

Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows - only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose - only time
Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies - only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies - only time

Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart

Night keeps, all your heart

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose - only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, - only time

Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time...

2002-11-26T02:49:00.000-08:00

I Could Fall In Love
Artist: Selena
Soundtrack: Selena (1997)

I could lose my heart tonight
If you don't turn and walk away
Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
Cause I could take you in my arms
And never let go

I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

I can only wonder how
Touching you would make me feel
But if I take that chance right now
Tomorrow will you want me still
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you down

Chorus:
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
And I know it's not right
But I guess I should try
To do what I should do
But I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

So I should keep this to myself
And never let you down

Chorus:
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
And I know it's not right
But I guess I should try
To do what I should do
But I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

2002-11-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

After what seemed to be an interminably long time, I was able to talk to my best guy friend. I missed him something fierce, because I was always running to him whenever I have problems. Now that he has a lot of things to do, plus a job to keep, we couldn’t manage to communicate that much. Add to the fact that he’s in the US and I’m here in the Philippines, it is very hard to maintain a steady interaction. Oh, we would send each other emails, and he tries to call me up once in a while – in turn I send him greeting cards via web and snail mail.

Along our friendship, I stumbled and fell for him. Who would not? He is one amazing guy. But certain circumstances proved that a chance with him would be futile, because at the time he has a girlfriend, and I had my own life. I was always there for him, despite that, and he, too. Even when they broke up and he had some difficulty in his life, I did not leave. Instead I gave him all the love and friendship that I could offer.

I remained quiet all this time, kept silent about my feelings. But I guess he knew. And know what? He loves me too. We both know though, that a relationship wouldn’t work right now, at this moment. It would be too hard and too stressful. Plus, we are both afraid that if ever we pushed through with it, we would only end up frustrated later on, maybe ruining a great friendship in the process.

While mulling over this, a very special friend told me that he loves me. I was shocked at first, because, coming from him, I didn’t expect it. I was always the one listening to him rant about the women in his life, and I know that he had sincerely loved them, but it just didn’t work out the way he wanted. That’s why when he nervously revealed his growing feelings for me, a lot of emotions came hurling back at me. I was petrified, mollified, and confused. Yet, I found myself talking to him on the phone till the wee hours of the morning, and thinking about him in school. These had me stumped. He was starting to grow on me, and the last two posts here have been devoted solely for him.

I’m already standing on the ledge. Do I let myself fall?

Somehow I got the feeling that I was free, after the long talk with my best friend. That I can now allow myself to love somebody new without worrying that I might hurt somebody. We both got our own separate lives now. But whatever happens, we will be there for each other. Here’s bits and pieces of our conversation:

[14:51] Squall`>> musta na?
[14:51] Squall`>> mishyu
[14:52] twinx>> eto
[14:52] twinx>> ok lang
[14:52] twinx>> kaw?
[14:52] Squall`>> ok lang
[14:52] Squall`>> musta na lovelife? balita ko eh there's someone new
[14:53] twinx>> kanino namang balita yun?
[14:53] twinx>> may nanliligaw
[14:53] twinx>> pero wala pa ako sinasagot
[14:54] Squall`>> it's hard pero okay lang :)
[14:54] Squall`>> kasi napakalayo ko sa iyo eh
[14:55] twinx>> mahirap ang alen
[14:55] Squall`>> i feel defenseless, pero i really can't do anything
[14:55] Squall`>> basta i'm here for you
[14:56] Squall`>> and i support whatever your decision is
...
[15:09] Squall`>> you'll always be my bestfriend, twinkle
[15:12] Squall`>> i'm just worried bout you
[15:13] twinx>> baKIT naman
[15:13] Squall`>> coz you've been through a lot of pain
[15:14] Squall`>> i really wanna see you when i go back there
...
[15:19] Squall`>> you like the guy ba? honestly...
[15:25] twinx>> alam mo albert, hindi sha mahirap mahalin. mabait sha. And I like him. You would have liked him too.
[15:26] Squall`>> mahirap eh
[15:26] Squall`>> nde natin alam
[15:26] Squall`>> bka gumising ka at mahal mo na siya
[15:26] twinx>> basta tandaan mo. lagi lang naman ako andito para sa yo eh.
...
[15:30] twinx>> albert, kung sakali bang makuha ko siyang mahalin, ok lang sa yo?
[15:30] Squall`>> okay lang
[15:30] Squall`>> maiintindihan ko naman eh
[15:33] twinx>> hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang nakita niya sa akin eh
[15:34] twinx>> im nobody special naman
[15:34] twinx>> sa dinami-dami ng tao ako pa
[15:34] Squall`>> coz ur a sweet person
[15:34] Squall`>> and caring and thoughtful
[15:34] twinx>> eh hindi pa ren naman niya ko nakikita lammo yun? parang...ewan ko ba
...
[15:40] twinx>> hindi ko kse lam gagawin ko eh
[15:40] twinx>> naguguluhan na ako
[15:41] Squall`>> kung mahal mo siya eh why not
[15:41] Squall`>> kung nde eh di nde
[15:42] Squall`>> maiintindihan ko naman ikaw eh
[15:42] Squall`>> okay lang
[15:45] twinx>> basta...kung sasagutin ko sha...kaw pa ren ang unang makakaalam
[15:45] twinx>> wala akong itatago sa yo
[15:46] twinx>> basta ikaw
[15:46] Squall`>> thanks
[15:50] twinx>> *sigh* love you, dude. :)
[15:54] Squall`>> same here twinkle :)
[15:54] Squall`>> paguwi ko labas tayo ah
[15:54] twinx>> sige :)
[15:55] twinx>> promise. :)
...
[16:00] twinx>> wala lang. magaan-gaan na pakiramdam ko ngayon
[16:00] Squall`>> at saka pag nagpunta ako riyan eh mga at least 2 months ako diyan
[16:01] Squall`>> kasi nga aral pa di ba?
[16:01] twinx>> yup
[16:02] twinx>> na-miss kita
[16:02] twinx>> wala lang.
[16:02] twinx>> kse pag may problema ako sanay ako sa yo tumatakbo eh
[16:02] Squall`>> namiss din kita noh
[16:02] twinx>> hehehe la lang
...
[16:11] Squall`>> ingat ka
[16:12] Squall`>> at saka maiintindihan ko kung ano man mangyari sa inyo ni **** :)
[16:12] Squall`>> i love you so much bestfriend!
...

there you go. Thanks so much, albert. Love you, dude. Ingat ka diyan.

2002-11-23T12:18:00.000-08:00

Bic Runga - Sway

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you
And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infinitely true

[CHORUS:]
Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

[CHORUS TWICE]

It's all because of you
It's all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true

[CHORUS TWICE]

It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you

...

it's 4 am. i didnt know why i stayed up this late just waiting for your call. foolish and pathetic, that's what ive become. am i growing to love you, or am i just clinging to the silly notion that i need to be in love? i dont want to confuse my emptiness from being alone with the thought of having you in my life. that would be so damn perfect - to allow you to enter my heart and take leave of my senses just because im so damn tired of sleeping late at night knowing there's no one to look forward to when i wake up in the morning. that's such a preposterous arrangement, and so unfair for your part, dont you think?

right now, i dont even know what im supposed to be feeling. if i decide to hand over my self, and my soul, completely, into your hands - would you take care of me and mold me into loving and healing myself? would you take me as i am, scarred and hurting, fumbling my chances along the way? i am scared. hell, yes.

what if im not really feeling something for you? what if im just waiting for an opportunity or luck that somebody would go up to me and tell me that he loves me, and you happen to came along? wouldnt that be a lie? how would i know that im truly loving YOU, and am not just finding an escape to end my loneliness?

that's why i cant give you an answer right away. because i dont want to give the wrong one, regardless of how much it might please or hurt you. the last thing i would want is to give you pain. that would be the death of me.

but...while you're waiting in vain, and im weaving my mind into intricate thoughts of you, we talk like we've known each other forever. i am much happier than ive been in weeks. does that mean anything? everything i do and everywhere i go, i am reminded of you. are those signs, or a game of chance? i believe in dreams coming true, but not for me. should i take heed of the things calling out to me, or still proceed with caution? what do i have to lose? then again, what do i have to gain?

ive already mapped this out with my mind. ive talked to myself. ive cried in my sleep. i still cant find an answer.

if i tell you yes, im afraid of hurting you in the long run. im also afraid of you backing away after some time. by then, i wouldnt know where to pick myself up. im very afraid of rejection. im afraid that this might all be pretend. im afraid of ME backing out after some time. im afraid of being unfair to you and of cheating you a great deal of love you could have found in somebody else instead of someone like me. im terribly afraid of ruining a great friendship if this relationship doesnt work out.

if i tell you no, im scared of letting a love pass by. im scared that ill never be whole again, and that you might be the one who can complete me. im scared that you might leave, and not existing in my life even as my friend. im scared that i might never find another like you. im scared that you might hate me. im scared that i might hate myself for it. im scared that i might discover that i do love you in the end, and by then, you would be long gone.

what is it about me that draws you? i am not special. i do not live up to your love. i have a hell of a life and excess baggage to boot. i cant even deal with my problems rationally and logically. i am nothing. why do you insist on caring for someone as undeserving like me? what have i done that made you think i can be someone you can love? you lie.

can you deal with me? look how i am. SEE ME. i am not the star up there - ive fallen, been trampled upon. dont put me up on a pedestal because i feel so low. this is all i'll be, this is all i'll be able to give. ive bared my soul - stark naked for your heart and mind. after all that you can perceive, will you still love me?

2002-11-21T06:30:00.000-08:00

Kaninang Physics

Physics period na ngayon. Wala lang, naaalala na naman kita. Alam kong inis na inis ka rin sa subject na ‘to – isa sa mga bagay na pinagkakasunduan natin. Hindi ko nga maintindihan sa sarili ko eh: simula nung mag-usap tayo, madami nang mga bagay ang nagpapaalala sa akin tungkol sa ‘yo. Yuck. Ang corny ko noh?

Anyway, sana hindi ka galit. Sana, after the talk we’ve had, hindi ka mailang, hindi magbago ang nararamdaman mo para sa akin. Alam mo…wala lang. When I woke up this morning (with only one hour of sleep to boot), I have this strange urge to really thank you – for loving me. Ewan ko ba. I hope you don’t think me assuming. Pero, salamat at minahal mo ako. Kahit papaano, naramdaman ko na may kwenta pa pala ako sa mundong ‘to, kasi, may taong nakuha akong mahalin.

ME = KE + PE.

Ayan. Ang dali ng equation na yan. Tuloy, ‘kala ko, kapag madali tingnan, madali rin i-solve. Pero hindi pala. Kasi within that, lies this formula:

ME = 1/2mv2 + mgh.

Tapos, pwede pa palang maging ganito:

ME = 1/2m(d/t)2 + mgh.

And so on. Hirap na noh? Parang ganun bale yung nararamdaman ko ngayon para sa yo. At a first glance, sige, sabihin mo na – “I LOVE YOU.” O. Ang dali lang niyan di ba? Ang kailangan ko lang gawin ay sabihin kung “Oo” o “Hindi.” Kung “I love you, too” o “I love you not.” Kaso, hindi pala ganun kadali yun. May underlying tone pa na – “I’m sorry, and I don’t want to hurt you.” Tapos, pwede pang maging “I love you, but I’m not in love with you…” o “I’m not yours yet for the taking, but I don’t want to lose you.”

Nakaka-frustrate na noh? Super hirap. Agree ako sa kinakanta mo kagabi – “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”

Pero ok na ren. Tutal naman, nandito ka eh.

Kaso, tulad ng Physics, takot akong bumagsak. Takot ako magka-line of 7. I’m good at numbers, yes, pero pagdating dito, I feel like the stupidest person on earth.

Parang sa relationships. I don’t want to fail at that, too. I’m good at relating with people, and I know that I am sensitive and mature enough to handle a serious bond with someone special – kaso pagdating sa love – pumapalya na ako. Feeling ko nga, nung umulan ng kamalasan at katangahan, hindi ako nakapayong nung mga panahon na yun.

Kailangan ko pa ata ng tutor eh. Kung di man sa Physics, baka sa love. May class ba na Love 101? Parang ang kailangan ko kasi, hindi lang crash course eh, mas matagal pang pagpapalalim ukol dito. Nakakatawa. Pero, sino ba naman talaga ang may alam sa love? Palagay ko wala. Bigyan mo ako ng magsasabing gamay na gamay na niya kung ano ang pag-ibig, ipapakita ko sa iyo ang isang hangal. Ang love para lang yang buhay – walang hanggan, walang kaparis, walang sukat. Physics kasi mas madali pang i-dissect. Mas kaya ng utak na i-process ang information, kahit ba ayaw mo siya o hindi. Eh sa love? Laging kalaban ng utak mo yung puso mo. Kaya siguro, mangangapa na lang ako. Lahat naman ata ganun eh. Di ba’t yan ang rason kung bakit natin kailangan ang isa’t isa?

Kaya pagpasensyahan mo na lang ako kung matagal-tagal pa bago ko masagot ang “I LOVE YOU.” Mahirap na word problem yan eh.

Ang dami ko pang steps na dadaanan bago ko makuha yung final answer. Oo, several ang possible na solutions sa ganitong problem. May short cut, may long cut. Dun na ako sa mas mahabang proseso. Para sigurado.

Sabi kanina, “You can always choose your reference point.” Yun daw yung guide. Siya, sige. Sa ngayon, ang reference point ko, ikaw. Bawat minutong lumilipas, nagso-solve ako sa utak ko, kung di man sa puso ko, wag kang mag-alala. Kailangan ko nga lang tumigil maya’t maya para gumamit ng scratch at calculator. Trial and error pala pag dating sa ganitong kind ng problem. Siyempre, pag hirap na hirap na ko, at hindi ko na makurba ang utak ko sa kakaisip, baka iyakan ko pa to. Ganun talaga eh. Lagi ako napapaiyak, hindi lang ng Physics.

Teka. Kasasabi lang niya (Physics teacher ko), “If the forces are equal, it might be cancelled out.” Hindi ko alam kung tama ako ng pagkakarinig ha. Pero if I heard her right, it will be equal to zero. Huh? Na-gets mo ba? Wala lang. Sana hindi ma-equate lahat ‘to sa wala sa kalaunan. Sana we’ll never “get to that point where enough is enough.”

Alam mo, naisip ko nga eh, sana Chem na lang. Pero…hindi pa ren eh. Palagay ko nga mas mahirap pa. Kasi sa tingin ko, yung chemistry sa ating dalawa – mahirap ma-decode. Aalamin ko pa ang mga phase changes sa pagkakaibigan natin, at kung paano mag-react ang certain elements ng ating sarili according sa Law of Chemical Combination. Isa pa, yung bonding natin. Swerte na lang kung triple bond yun. Syet. Tama na, mababaliw ako nito.

Ewan! Basta, habang nagsusulat ako dito ngayon at naghihintay sa ring ng bell para matapos na ang paghihirap ko, sana hindi ka na naman nag-cut ng Physics class mo. Alam ko boring (kita mo nga tong ginagawa ko o), at nakakainis – pero dapat nandun ka eh. Aralin mo, kahit ayaw mo. Kasi makakatulong yan. Kung di man sa magiging trabaho mo paglaki mo, isipin mo na lang na kailangan mo ‘to para makapasa ka.

Sana, sa akin din, ganun ka. Pagtiyagaan mo, pero hindi lang dahil dapat. ‘Wag ka mag-give up. Malay mo – baka matapos na ako mag-solve mamaya.

2002-11-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

*sigh* I fell asleep watching for the stars. =( Never did get the chance to make a wish. I guess it wasn't time - maybe it meant that wishing last night will be a fruitless task, because not one of them will come true. =( Well. aren't I the miserable one today. Sana may kausap ako para hindi na ako malulungkot, parang kagabi.

...

but, if I do have the chance to make a wish, these would be it:
1. to be truly happy despite all the hardships I'm going through right now
2. to find someone whom I will love deeply, and will love me back in return
3. to reconcile with myself and love me for me. (I do have a hard time accepting and loving myself right now. *sigh*)

until then, I will have to make do and struggle on my own. it's tough, but maybe believing in wishes will make it easier.

...

oh, and in the other blog, i will post random thoughts about me. ^^, if you want to become a part of it, and know / notice some things about me which I myself fail to acknowledge, please comment on this post and give me your email/url. I will give you my password here in blogger, so that you can post them yourselves. (and hey, this is only for the trusted few ha.) i'll see if it will work.

2002-11-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

went home from school today, really early...they made me go home because i was complaining about severe stomach pains and LOTS of vomiting. Ugh. i felt really bad. until now, am still suffering from hyperacidity. might not be able to make it to school tomorrow. *sigh* look at what i would be missing! there are tons of things to do. damn.

...

my ex-best friend (if you're following my story from the past entries - here's a link) is dropping out of high school. finally. i have spent weeks and weeks trailing after her like a puppy, making sure that she's okay all the while neglecting myself. now, her mother has eventually decided to make her stop her schooling for this year. i can only breathe a sigh of relief. she hasnt been coming to school for almost two weeks, maybe more, and every being in school is asking only one person about her absence - me. as if i wasnt burdened enough, the guidance office keeps on calling me. for pete's sake, i could only shout in my head, i am not her caretaker! i decided to call her mother up (even though i promised myself not to get involved again) and begged her to come to school and finally tell all of them - the administration, the faculty - about the condition of her daughter, because the pressure is beginning to take a toll on me. god. you know the reason why she hasnt been coming to school? it's because she's sinking into depression (daw) dahil i havent been paying her much of her attention. ha. ano na naman yan? ako na naman ang may kasalanan? oh god. im never EVER going to help anyone again, much less make myself vulnerable enough for a new friendship. this one got me burnt enough. what's that adage? - "once bitten, twice shy." so there.

...

something good happened today though, despite all of these. one, it was one of my close friend's birthday. ^_^ (although it was too bad i came home - i didnt get to celebrate with her), two, i was cheered up by a friend whom I have been txting with the whole night. la lang. three, my dear friend ganns is pushing through with his civil wedding tomorrow (Nov. 19). A great toast to you, dude! You are one heck of a guy, and really are superblessed by a superGod. ^^, Good luck, God bless, and God Speed. Lastly, there's a meteor shower by 1:30 am, Philippine time. hope im still awake to catch it. you know naman that im one of those hopeless romantics - a Sentimental Fool at that. ^_^ since I still believe in Santa Claus and miracles, you bet, im still wishing on stars. only this time, i really really really really really hope that it will come true. if not...oh well. there are still plenty of stars. patience is a virtue, or so they say.

2002-11-17T07:28:00.000-08:00

I watched Harry Potter (The Chamber of Secrets) today...

anyhow, I will have to agree that this one is better than the first. I'm not much of a fan. I've read the first book, and the movie on that one did not do justice to the story. Regarding the sequel, I guess I will have to read the book to be able to make a decision. It entertained me enough, save the standing room and the sticky theater floor. Ugh.

...

anyhow, I didnt expect the movie to be soooooooo long. I got home late, and there are still things I needed to do - school na tomorrow! Will check out some things here, and then maybe go blog hopping after.

...

and then in the back of my head, a voice keeps on repeating - tell me, why do you have to go and make things so complicated?

2002-11-16T12:29:00.000-08:00

What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a Romantic Realist. That's quite a paradox, but a good one. You can appreciate love and all things related to romance, but you do it without getting caught up in the commercialized mess. You've got a good head on your shoulders, for the most part.

2002-11-16T12:17:00.000-08:00

How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Balanced. You accept your emotions as normal and are not overly happy nor depressed. You are emotionally balanced and should find peace in the way you deal with life situations. Your emotions are normal and well understood. You see the light in the dark.

...

well, that's a good thought.

2002-11-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be close to your special someone and feel warm, comfortable, and needed

...

so very true. am i that transparent? makes me wonder now.

2002-11-16T05:31:00.000-08:00

Is there somehow an insane reason why i might be posting this song?...

Head Over Feet
by Alanis Morissette

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask me how my day was

Chorus:
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be suprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
Your'e so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

(Repeat Chorus)

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

(Repeat Chorus)

2002-11-16T05:19:00.000-08:00

What do you do when someone tells you that he loves you?

...

nuninu.

2002-11-15T17:47:00.000-08:00

Googlism for: twinkle

twinkle is detrimental (well, i thought so too)
twinkle is a nice word (thank you)
twinkle is knackered after a hard week at work
twinkle is britain's first online agony pervert (ows talaga?)
twinkle is brilliant (talaga ^_^)
twinkle is in here (where???)
twinkle is by no means the first attempt to design a special machine for doing mathematics (oh no. math? sheesh.)
twinkle is in particular need of a special home because she is a possible rhino carrier
twinkle is pregnant (uhuh)
twinkle is easy to fold
twinkle is one of the smallest 'jogging' strollers
twinkle is now eleven and has tolerated dogs all her life
twinkle is a 15
twinkle is my humble effort to work with under
twinkle is observing and usuually will stay out of any conversation unless spoken to first
twinkle is always working hard
twinkle is busy designing an ideal dream home for her
twinkle is getting ready to tread the boards for noted director feroze khan's forthcoming play
twinkle is now an official house rabbit
twinkle is 11" tall
twinkle is a children's folk song that mozart took and arranged twelve variations to
twinkle is going to fit through mom's pelvis
twinkle is 9 weeks and 4 days old and is due on january 13
twinkle is all
twinkle is as fast as the blink of an eye
twinkle is the most advanced version of a negative
twinkle is very edgy
twinkle is her name
twinkle is a webring for sites created by amateur anime artists
twinkle is one of three asian films in this year's festival that uses the springboard of an arranged marriage for its subsequent drama
twinkle is a pink opalescent dust reflecting the magnificent colors of our galaxy
twinkle is a rover mini sidewalk
twinkle is run by myself
twinkle is just one of the electronically enhanced poems you'll receive when purchasing a mixed bag of verse
twinkle is a fast learner and has been able to master many skills over the years
twinkle is bollywood actor akshay
twinkle is a three
twinkle is an amazingly smart and affectionate animal (awwww)
twinkle is a sieving machine
twinkle is allowed to come and go as she pleases since discipline and rules prompt her to either run to the streets where she may not seen for days
twinkle is 17 years old now (16 pa lang)
twinkle is rather high
twinkle is a quiet cat with an easy going character
twinkle is very good artiste
twinkle is
twinkle is a viscous liquid detergent with a golden yellow colour
twinkle is the third edition of the tree trimming collection
twinkle is a spectacular bitch (aha!)
twinkle is removed from the laser light
twinkle is 3 and 1 half years old
twinkle is re
twinkle is still alive (thankfully)
twinkle is extinguished
twinkle is the energy sparking the next action/creation
twinkle is a favorite classic nursery rhyme of young and old
twinkle is pages sister
twinkle is a beautiful person (wow.)
twinkle is boss (say that again?)
twinkle is a mathematics assessment task from the balanced assessment program
twinkle is a maternal sister to "storm" and has credits to 11
twinkle is just short of being a disaster (hehehehehe)
twinkle is one of the few girls i really get along with
twinkle is now called "thifty"
twinkle is an illusion
twinkle is presented complete
twinkle is beautiful (how i wish)
twinkle is playing table tennis with satan
twinkle is also a leading maker of beadwork
twinkle is actually the light travelling from the star and being bent and twisted in its long trip through layers and layers of gas
twinkle is the best real soul singer i've seen in a long time
twinkle is well and happy (well i try to be)
twinkle is finding out that each little bit of success comes only with struggle (definitely true)
twinkle is our chosen variety
twinkle is an audio/ visual reaction timer game with seasonal trimmings
twinkle is busy organising her trousseau for a november
twinkle is very different than that of the electronic design of a normal computer
twinkle is more than a word
twinkle is an anachronism for true winners inspire nonviolence
twinkle is available for download
twinkle is coming up 2 years old and was also bred by me
twinkle is quite the star in her pink satin dress; an organdy overlay is printed with golden stars
twinkle is a unicorn fairy (oh.)
twinkle is the best brass and copper cleaner out there for home use
twinkle is veelzijdig
twinkle is a happy boy now and our very first adoption

...

well. ^_^

2002-11-11T03:20:00.000-08:00

Kuwentong Panyo

Ikaw pa lang naman ang taong pinaglaba ko ng panyo.
Katatapos pa lang ng PE natin nun. Wala na kayo ng tropa mo, pero kami, nasa kuwarto pa rin. Lumakad ako sa lugar kung saan kayo naupo. At yun. Duon ko nakita yung panyo. Nakatiwangwang sa sahig. Naiwan. Parang iniwan dahil wala nang silbi.

Kinuha ko. Baka kasi burara lang talaga yung may ari. Isinuksok ko yung kulay maroon na panyo sa plastic bag ko ng PE props, at dalian ko rin shang nalimutan. Ang dami ko kasing dala nu’n e.

Mga dalawang araw ko ring hindi pinansin yung panyo. Pero, nung isang gabing dapat matutulog na ako pero iniisip pa rin kita, bumulaga siya sa isip ko. Lagi ka nga palang may panyo, baka sa iyo yun. Dali- dali kong kinalkal yung plastig bag ko ng PE props. Ayan nakuha ko na. Kulay maroon na may puting border. Hatinggabi na ata nu’n, pero nilaban ko ora mismo.

Hindi ko ginamit yung bareta. Hindi ko rin ginamit yung powder para sa washing machine. Ang ginamit ko, bath soap na mild. Baka kasi allergic ka sa mga matatapang na kemikal ng ordinaryong sabon. Hehe. Hindi ko pa nga siguradong iyo yun. Pero kahit na. Masaya pa rin ako dahil may pag uusapan nanaman tayo. Magpapasalamat ka sakin dahil binalik ko yung mamahalin mong panyo, tapos ngingitian mo ko.

* * *

Sabi ng kaklase kong kaklase mo rin, hindi raw tayo bagay. Siguro, inaasar lang niya ako dahil alam niyang crush kita. Sana nga. Pero ayun, hindi raw tayo bagay dahil mashado daw tayong pareho. Mirror- image daw. Parehong mahilig sa maingay na kanta, parehong mahilig mag drawing, parehong madaling araw na kung matulog. Hindi raw OK ang dalawang taong ganun. Pangit. Opposites attract, diba?

Naalala ko tuloy nung bago pa lang yung Weakest Link sa TV. Tuwing palabas yun, pinapanood natin tapos pinagti- tripan natin yung mga contestants na nauutal- utal. Iti- text ko yung pang- asar kong comment, tapos dadaigin mo. Ang galing mong manlait! Ang dami kong natutunan sa’yo!

Tapos, tapos na ang Weakest Link pero magkatext pa rin tayo. Kinukwentohan mo ko tungkol sa mga nabasa mong libro, tapos ako, kukwentohan kita tungkol sa mga pelikulang napanood ko. Astig. May isang gabi nga e, inumaga tayo. Pinasok ka na ng ermat mo sa kuwarto’t pinagalitan. Wala lang. Care Bears at He- Man lang naman ang pinag- “uusapan” natin. Minsan naman, pag bad mood ka, kukwentuhan mo ko tungkol sa heaven and hell at sa ultimate good and evil. Ang bigat pero oks lang. Ikaw naman yun, e.

Pero dati yun. Luma na Weakest Link ngayon e, si Allan K na nga ang host. Hindi ka na nagrereply sa mga text ko dahil, ewan. Siguro nagtitipid ka.

May isang beses nga, hindi mo ako pinansin ng mga isang linggo. E di muntikan na akong masiraan ng ulo. Inemail kita. Wala pa rin. Tatlo pang araw ang inintay ko (ang lupit mo, magkaklase tayo pero isa’t kalahating linggo mo kong hindi pinansin!). Sa wakas! Nagreply ka! Wow, abot tenga ang ngiti ko, ang haba kasi ng reply mo! Kuwento ka ng kuwento tungkol sa kung anu ano, yung teacher mong ayaw kang bigyan ng grade, yung maid niyong mahilig mang himasok sa buhay mo at yung mga taong nakakasira ng “diskarte” mo.

Sana hindi ako yun.

Masaya. Magka email na tayo. Wala namang pinagkaiba sa text dahil hindi pa rin kita makita’t marinig at madalang ka ring magreply. Pero, oks lang uli. It’s another way to your heart naman.

* * *

Inemail mo ako nung isang araw. Sabi mo kanta. Sabi mo death metal. Sabi mo mag eenjoy ako.

Hindi ko pinakinggan agad- agad. Ilang buwan na rin kasi tayong hindi nag tetext, sa mga buwan na yun sinubukan kong kalimutan ka. Sabi kasi nung mgakaibigan ko, puro gulo’t sakit ng ulo lang daw ang dala mo. Oo nga naman. Mahigit kumulang isang taon kong pinagnilay- nilayan ang mga posibilidad sa’ting dalawa. Isang lalaki, isang babae, secret friends sila. Magkasundo naman tayo diba? Sa email. Bagay naman tayo diba? Sa text.

Siyempre, hindi ko rin natiis. Nasa internet café nga ako nung pinakinggan ko yung kanta. Inintay ko yung sigaw na pambungad, o di kaya’y yung kalabog ng drums. Wala. Biglang may lumabas na graphics. Angel, tapos pusong tumitibok- tibok.

“You’re my honeybunch, my sweet cake…You’re my sweety pie… the apple of my eye.”

Paulit- ulit lang. Paulit- ulit lang. Paulit- ulit.

Walang sumigaw ng “oi- oi- oi”. Wala ding “pow- hu- hu- pow”.

* * *

Umiyak ako sa MRT. Konti lang naman. Bigla kasi akong naguluhan e, nagulat. Posible ba? Gayong, mahigit kuulang isang taon kong sinabihan ang sarili ko na huwag akong umasa. Baka naman gawa gawa lang ‘to ng isip kong sabik sa’yo? Hmmm… pwede. So nagdrama ako ng konti pa.

Tinext kita nung gabing ‘yon. Napakinggan ko na yung kanta. Astig. Paki explain (pa simple pa ako).

Himala, nag reply ka. “Harkhark. Tuwang- tuwa talaga ako jan. Hebi metal daw ano? Hahaha. Ano ieexplain?”

Saka ko natutunan na lahat ng ginagawa mo ay dapat kong intindihin ng face value lang. Harkhark. Ano nga naman ba ang kelangan mong iexplain? Joke diba? Mag- eenjoy ako! Ang labo ko nga naman.

Buti na lang nagpasimple ako. Madaling lusutan. “Ah. Kasi hindi ko na tinapos. Akala ko may hebi metal talaga sa dulo.”

Gago.

Nagdrama pa’ko ng konti pagtapos no’n. Sabi ko na nga ba e, imposible. Bakit pa kasi ako umasa- asa at the last minute? Ilang bese mo na ba ginawa yan dati? Ilang beses ka na bang nagtext ng pasaring at nag email ng tula? Marami. Ano naman ang kinaiba ng baby_song na ipinadala mo? Wala.

Siyempre akala ko naka jackpot ako sa’yo. Akala ko tama lang na inintay kita, na eto na yung senyales na “like” mo rin ako. Kawawawang bata, akala mababaw lang yung tubig, 12 ft. pala. Tumalon, tigok, tanga. Hindi pala marunong lumangoy.

Sabi nga ng ate ko, hayaan na raw kita. Suwerte pa raw ako dahil at least ako babae, mas madaling umiyak at maglabas ng sama ng loob. E ikaw, lalaki, diyahe. Marami raw kayong repressed material sa katawan.

O sige, hahayaan na kita, ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin. Pero gago ka talaga! Medyo masakit yung joke mo ha, hindi nakaaktawa! Pinaglaba pa naman kita ng panyo, ginawan ng reviewer sa history exam natin at pinagtanggol sa lahat ng nagsasabing mukha kang serial killer. Pag nakahanap ka ng katapat mo, iiyak ka rin! Mauubusan ka rin ng panyo.

2002-11-11T03:10:00.000-08:00

Pakiusap

Tatlong araw na kaming magkakilala pero hindi ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan kung bakit nagparamdam siya. Sabi niya nagkakilala kami dalawang buwan na ang nakakaraan sa chat. Ako naman tanga, naniwala agad. Pakiramdam ko kasi totoo naman sinasabi niya o kahit hindi man, wala akong pakialam. Chatfriend ko lang naman siya gaya ng iba diyan. Pero ang pinagtataka ko, bakit nagtext siya sakin ng gabing nag-aaway kami (sa text) ng boyfriend ko, si EJ, na tulad niya nakilala ko rin sa chat.

Ang gulo ng buhay ko non. Mahal ko si EJ kung pagmamahal nga yon. Pero kung hindi man, siguro ay dahil gusto ko lang mag-enjoy. Masakit sa ulo ang may boyfriend!
Feeling ko mas madaling humanap ng ‘matinong’ kausap sa chat lalo na pag matiyaga ka lang magbabad sa computer. Hindi naman ako adik at mas lalong hindi ako frustrated na magkaboyfriend! Nagkataon nga lang na kaya kong magtiyaga hanggang 14 oras para makipagusap sa mga taong-pakiramdam-ko-niloloko-ako-pero-para-sakin-okay-lang. Sinasamantala ko ang pagkakataon na wala akong klase. Kahit na may exam, sige chat pa rin.

Napakaformal niya ng magpakilala. Naka full text pa! Feeling ko gentleman siya, kaya naman kahit nag-aaway kami ng boyfriend ko malugod ko pa rin siyang kinausap. Siguro sa tampo ko kay EJ napilitan lang akong itext siya. Pakiramdam ko kasi wala na rin mangyayari sa amin. Hindi ko alam kung kagagahan ang ikwento ko sa kanya ang nangyayari samin ni EJ ng gabing yon, pero naging magaan ang pakiramdam pakatapos non. Sa totoo lang kala ko kaibigan lang siya ni EJ na sinusubukan ako. Kaya naman sabi ko sa kanya nasa gimik lang ako kasama ang mga pinsan ko - na medyo may tama na ako dahil maramirami na rin ang naiinom ko etsetera, etsetera. Pero ang totoo nasa kwarto lang ako – nagmumukmok. Pilit na inaalis ang hinanakit kay EJ. Tangna. Wala rin naman akong magagawa kahit na sumigaw ako. Naisip ko na tumawa. Tumingin ako sa salamin. Nakangiti nga naman ako! Pero mas naawa lang ako sa sarili ko. Sabi ko sa sarili ko na kung nakaya akong ipagpalit ni EJ dahil sa magkalayo kami, dapat kayanin ko rin na kalimutan siya. Tanga ba ako kung tinamaan ako kay EJ, kahit na isang beses pa lang kami nagkikita?

Wala na akong nabalitaan kay EJ pakatapos non…

Dalawang araw na lang bago ang valentine’s. Manhid na ako. Pero nagparamdam na naman siya. Kinabahan ako dahil sa mga walang kwentang naming palitan ng I love you sa text. May kasama pang ‘so much.’ PWE! Pero, pumayag naman akong makipagkita sa kanya kahit na alam kong magulo pa rin sakin ang lahat. That time, parang kami na, pero hello?! tulad ng iba dyan sa text lang din. Hindi naman ako takot makipag-EB. Marami na akong nakilala at wala namang tumakbo sa kanila! February 16 yon. Nagpretend akong nagulat sa white roses na ibinigay niya na may ‘ I love you’ na nakasulat sa isang maliit na pulang karton na tiniklop. Pero bale wala sakin yon. Alam ko tulad rin siya ng iba na naghahanap ng babaeng bibiktimahin. Ilang beses na rin kaming lumabas o nagdate, whatever! Parati niya akong inihahatid sa bahay. Nakilala niya ang mga pinsan ko. Hiniling niya akong tumigil magchat. Hindi ko alam seryoso pala siya. Pero wala pa ring nabago sakin. Ang totoo, mas naging malala pa ko. MALALA. Gusto ko parating may kausap, kahit sino. Nakikipagkita sa iba. Kunwari hindi ko siya kilala at walang nagbabawal sakin.

Nanibago na lng ako kasi naging tahimik siya. Tinanong niya ako kung anong problema pero wala akong maisagot. Natatawa ako. Pero nakita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya. Noon lang ako natauhan. Sinabi niya sakin na seryoso siya at handa siyang magsakripisyo para lang magbago ako. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Nakiusap akong iwan na lang niya. Tinanong ako kung yon ba talaga ang gusto ko, pero pawang luha lamang ang sagot ko.

Noon ko naramdamang umiyak muli. Hindi dahil sa nasaktan ako kundi dahil alam kong siya lang ang nagpahalaga sakin nang ganon. Gusto ko siyang yakapin pero natatakot ako - natatakot na aminin sa sarili ko na hindi ko kayang gantihan ang pagsasakripisyo niya sakin lalo na ang tanggapin na pinaniwalang mahal ko siya. Hindi maitatanggi sa mga mata niya ang sakit na nararamdaman na habang nagsasalita ay unti unting pumapatak ang mga luhang tila kay tagal na pinigil. Nakiusap siya na mahalin ko. Pakiramdam ko ako na ang pinakamasang tao dahil hindi ako marunong magmahal at kailangan pang pakiusapan. Sa unang pagkakataon niyakap ko siya. Ramdam ko ang katawan niyang nanghihina na tila sa isang batang iniwan ng ina. Alam kong alam niya kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng yakap na yon at ng mga luhang unti-unting dumampi sa kanyang pisngi…

Hindi siya mahirap mahalin dahil hindi ko rin pinilit ang sarili ko. Manhid lang ako sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya dahil si EJ pa rin ang hinintay ko. Mahal ko na pala siya noon pa.

Sabado na naman. Nakaraan na ang isang linggo at wala akong nabalitaan tungkol sa kanya. Masakit lang, narealize ko siya pala ang ‘ ideal man ’ na hinahanap ko. Ang pagkakaiba nga lang, siya ang lumapit sakin.

Sumariwa sa isipan ko lahat ng nangyari, sabado rin ng nakaraang linggo. Sa oras na yon naalala ko kung pano ang isang lalaki ay nakiusap at umiyak na ako ang dahilan. Masarap sa pakiramdam pero hindi ko lubos maisip.

Makaraan ang ilang oras may nagtext sakin. Lumabas raw ako ng kwarto.

Niyakap ko siya.

Pero di tulad ng dati wala nang nakiusap…

2002-11-11T03:05:00.000-08:00

You. Me. Her.

I woke up to a loud ringing noise and realized that it was the blasted phone that was causing this ruckus at an unholy hour. I clicked on my bedside lamp and cracked one eye open to check the clock. It was three in the morning. I picked up the phone, half-knowing I’d hear your voice on the other end of the line. Who else would be calling my line on a time like this?

“Hello?”
“Krissy? Did I wake you?”

I hear your sad, but hopeful voice on the phone. Suddenly, a feeling of warmth spread all throughout my system. Your voice does that. It never fails to amaze me how much you can do with such little effort.

“Hey, Yosh… it’s three in the morning, how could you not wake me up?” I kidded, trying to lighten your mood.

I know why you’re calling again. I know that tone of voice too well. I know you too well.

“I know.” You whisper apologetically. But something else is on your mind. You do not really mean the apology you said, you said it just to fill the emptiness. “We broke up.”

I fought hard to push back the joy that’s bubbling over me. But I know I’ll be hearing more of this thing between you two. My temporary moment of happiness was cut off. Reality sank in. You. Her. When will it end? When will I stop hearing about her? But then again, before her, there were others, and surely, after her, there will be others too. That is, if you even get over her.

There was something about her, I remember you telling me that. Why is it that there’s always something in the girls you’ve liked that isn’t in me? If you combine all the somethings that these girls possess, I will be nothing in comparison.

But isn’t that what I am to you? Nothing? Nothing but your buddy. Your best friend who always sees you through.

Still I respond caringly.

“What happened?”

You take in a deep breath and everything starts flowing out.

She’s been distant lately and you don’t know what’s gotten over her. You tried talking to her but she wouldn’t open up. Things have been different between the two of you. You’re going crazy thinking about what it is you’ve done wrong, and how you could make it up to her. Tonight, you decided to cook her dinner and make her everything she wants. But you ended up fighting over petty things. Things that don’t even matter if you think about it.

I groan. How come the nice guys always end up being the slaves of these women? Can’t you see she can’t love you the way I do? Can’t you see she couldn’t give you the love you deserve? But I shouldn’t be thinking, I should be listening to you while you pour your soul out to me.

You flared up and asked her what she wanted, you were now saying over the phone. She suddenly went quiet and said she wanted her freedom. You felt your world suddenly crash around you. You couldn’t breathe for a moment.

“Do you love her?” I ask, afraid what I will hear might kill me.

“You know I’ve never been in love before. I love her so much. I don’t think I can bear losing her.” Your voice is cracking; I can feel the pain you’re going through. I forget the pain I feel for myself because of the pain I feel for you.

I can almost see you, frustrated, running a hand through your straight hair. Sitting in the dark, clutching to the phone as if it would save you from drowning into your sorrow.

I don’t know what hurts more, the fact that you’re suffering, or the fact that you’re suffering because of her.

Life can be so funny. Life can be so damn funny I want to cry. I want to cry for you and me, and all the things wasted in this world. Wasted because people can’t see clearly.

“It’s okay.” I say, not knowing what else to tell you. There is nothing more I could say or do to make you feel better. It’s unfair when you think of it.

She doesn’t do anything yet she means the world to you. I do everything and I don’t mean a thing to you.

Well, maybe I do. There were times I almost thought I mean more to you than what you let on. There were times I could almost feel you feel it too. Sometimes I thought I could be more than a best friend to you. Obviously, I was wrong.

“I don’t know…” Your voice is dripping with sadness. “I don’t think I can get over her. She was everything I could ever wish for. I love her so much.”

Damn you Yoshi. I whisper through gritted teeth.

Damn you for being so stupid.

Damn you for being so blind.

Damn you. Damn me. Damn.

I’m here. I’m here, can’t you see me? Can’t you feel me? I’m here, you idiot. What is wrong with you?

“Look,” I find myself blurting out. “Why don’t you sleep on it? I still have an exam tomorrow morning; I can’t afford to fail this one just because she couldn’t see how good she’s got it. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

I regretted those words the moment they came out of my mouth. I sounded a bit too bitter, a bit too harsh. “I’m sorry” I start to say.

“No.” You cut me off. “I’m sorry for being a pain… it’s just that you’re the only one who understands me. You’re the only one I could turn to, Krissy.”

I feel warmth all over my body again. But this time I shiver. Why do I shiver in the warmth? I hug my blanket closer to my chest. Why won’t your voice give me warmth now?

I look at my window; clouds are starting to cover the moon. Darkness is winning over light. I continued to stare for a while, hoping the clouds would stop, but they didn’t. Soon the moon was entirely covered with dark fluffy clouds. I sigh.

“I know, Yosh.” I barely whisper and put the phone down.

Because I DO know.

I know how it feels to have your world crash around you. I know how it feels to gasp in order to breathe. I know how it feels to love. I know, Yosh. You know why? Because every time I’m with you, I feel all of these. You do these things to me, repeatedly.

Yet I still stay.

Now, as I clutch my blanket, hanging on for dear life, I suddenly realize, maybe I need to stay away from you. You are my life, and you’re killing me. You’re killing me slowly.

Maybe it’s time.

2002-11-09T00:12:00.000-08:00

This was forwarded to me through email...it was just too good not for me to post...

"PARANG MAY KULANG"

nagising nalang ako isang umaga, naramdaman ko parang
>may kulang. kumain ako ng almusal, nakusap ko na lahat ng tao sa bahay,
>pero bakit ganito parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. pumasok ako sa
>trabaho nagiisip parin muntik na nga akong matisod sa kakaisip lang nito.
>tinanong nako ng mga katrabaho ko, ano ba meron sakin bakit ang tamlay ko.
>sabi ko hindi ko alam, di ko maintindihan. alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na
>parang may malaking butas sa sarili mo, tipong merong kilangang makapuno?
>yun ang naramdaman ko nung araw na yun, gusto ko na ngang sumigaw,
>magwala, malay ko ba kung ano lang ito. pero hindi ko ginawa, hindi naman
>dapat. mga bandang tanghali pagkatapos ng tanghalian, tumawag siya, lam mo
>na siya, yung lalaking minahal ko buong buhay ko pero iniwan ako para sa
>ibang tao, wala lang nangamusta lang labas daw kami pagkatapos ng trabaho,
>nagisip ako ng mabuti, kung papayag ako o hindi, naisip ko ano ba namang
>masama, nasa malayo naman nagtatrabaho ang girlfriend niya, parang
>malalaman diba? natapos ang araw sobrang excited ako, sinundo niya ako sa
>trabaho, kumain kami, nagusap, binalik ang nakaraan, sabi ko nalang wag
>nang pagusapan may buhay na siya, masaya narin ako sa buhay ko, kaibigan
>nalang maibibigay ko, ang drama pa nga sabi niya mahal pa daw niya ako,
>kumpara bako sa bago, mas mabait daw ako, mas maintindihin, mas
>understanding, sabi ko nga aba eh bakit mo sakin sinasabi yan, ano ito
>bolahan, natawa lang siya kahit hindi nakakatawa, nainis nga ako di ko
>nalang pinakita, pero kahit na nag usap kami nandun parin yung malaking
>butas nararamdaman ko parin, hanggang sa naisip ko baka kulang lang ako ng
>pagtawag sa kanya, pero hindi naman kse madalas ako tumatawag sa kanya,
>siguro naman kilala niyo na kung sino yun. naglalakad nakami pauwi,
>papunta sa auto niya, nakalimutan ko kahit sandali ang kulang na
>nararamdaman. napatawa pako sa mga biro niya, napalo ko pa nga sa
>kakatawa. biglang nag ring ang cellphone ko, kapatid niya umiiyak, sabi ko
>bakit kasama ko kuya mo, pauwi na kami. bigla siyang natahimik, tinanong ko
> bakit, at dahan dahan niyang sinabi.."pano nangyari yun eh si kuya
>nadisgrasya, na total wreck sasakyan niya..ate patay na siya" nabigla ako
>hindi ko maintindihan pano nangyari na patay na siya eh kasama ko pa, pag
>harap ko sa likod ko..nandun parin sha, ganun parin suot niya pero duguan
>na..napaluha ako, ngumiti lang sha at sinabi na "naramdaman mo na ba yung
>pakiramdam na parang may kulang hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit?" napa 0o
>na lang ako habang patuloy na lumuluha.."papunta ako sayo ngayon, dahil
>gusto kung sabihin na ikaw pala yun, yung kulang sa buhay ko..gusto ko na
>sana pakasal tayo..pero diba sabi ko naman sayo kahit anong mangyari gusto
>ko bago ako mamatay ikaw ang nasa tabi ko" tapos bigla nalang siyang
>nawala..bumigat lalo pakiramdam ko, napa upo ako sa lapag, wala nalang
>akong nagawa kung hindi umiyak..bakit kung kailan lahat ng sinabi niya
>tama sa pandinig ko, hangin nalang ang lahat ng ito...

2002-11-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

will revert to the previous layout muna. will work on the new one, kse i think it sucks pa eh.

....

check out vera's blog though. it has a new layout.

2002-11-05T06:11:00.000-08:00

ahhhhh having a make-over for this one sure takes a lot of work!

...

2002-11-02T09:03:00.000-08:00

on second hand, i might just change the layout if i become so darn lazy.

2002-11-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

sunday already. no layout yet! well, im planning on moving somewhere, and stringing along this blog via FTP. gotta figure how it ALL works first though.

:-)

2002-10-28T08:11:00.000-08:00

Sa wakas.

Finally I have a week to catch up on sleep and rest. Dance production is over and thankfully, my hard work paid off. My class won in the best in over all performance runner up. I was glad that my hard work paid off, and my directing skills weren't a waste. Ha.

Now, I will be taking a bit of a breather, and maybe, change my blog's layout. i'm thinking of moving somewhere else, but have yet to find a suitable site.

To all those who have continually been reading my blog, thank you, thank you for your support. when i feel like slipping away to oblivion, you people surprise me with caring words. i am blown away. i realize that somehow, you friends are my energy.

2002-10-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Now what to tell?

I’ve been swamped with schoolwork for two weeks; I was virtually away from the computer. I haven’t got the time to blog, to write in my real diary, to talk to the people who are dying to hear from me, and to visit an online community I have been missing for weeks.

I have to confess, I was disillusioned for a while - i’ve already got wolves hounding at my back in school, problems to deal with at home, pressures to live with, and a loneliness that wouldn’t go away. The thought of blogging and finding some sincere comments from people I don’t really know and see - it was just too much for me to take. Right then, I wouldn’t believe the messages at all, because my mind tells me that I don’t get to see those guys - how will I know if they are telling me the truth? The people back here couldn’t even manage to make me believe, what more of my cyber friends?

But today, I logged on, and read all those messages again. And I find that these people are my only friends right now, really, aside from the few precious that I dearly hold on to.

Now again, what really happened to me?

It all started when my best friend called me up last summer and told me that she found a new guy. I asked her the details and she gave them all - how she met him through chatting in text only (that's the bad part) and that he is already twenty-three years old. She told me what they talked about, but she forgot to tell me that they met already.

Since she is a member of the choir in their parish, she always has lots of activities to attend to. I would listen to her as she describes each place. What is peculiar is that each meeting was to be held at night, at a place so far from their home. I don’t know if it was just my plain stupidity or I just trusted her so much. It was May when she told me that all those times she went out, she was meeting the damn guy. Alone.

Oh, that really set me off. In the first place, I did not like the thought of her sneaking into the night, and lying to her parents. She used their (and mine, too) trust to her advantage just so she could meet that person whom she barely knew. She is seventeen, and the guy is twenty-three. So what, she replies. Age does not matter. Right. I believe in that old adage, god knows it is true. However, to meet a man who is older than you, and whom you barely know, at night in an isolated place - spells all the danger signs for me. First off, she does not know how to commute and yet the guy wants her to be the one to go to him, when he already has a car. Second, the guy and her father work in the same place. Now wouldn’t that scare you right then and there? Third, she uses the name of God and of the Church to be able to sneak out. She even used me once as an excuse to her mother. She hardly calls me up the duration of the summer. When she does, it is because she needs my help. She never once called up to say hi and see what I was doing, if I was okay, if I have problems. No. I was the one doing the entire calling and checking up.

I did not like it. I told her to stop then and there because I will tell her mother at once. She did not listen of course, because she told me she loves the guy. For the life of me, I could not understand her for once. But I remained firm, because I believe that if she didn’t stop, sooner or later, something is bound to happen to her, and I didn’t want that. I gave her a piece of my mind, and told her that the relationship is changing her and her sense of values. I thought she listened because after a week, she told me that they broke up. I called her everyday just to make sure. She’s always at home, so I was calmed a bit.

There was a chip in our friendship, but I tried to patch it up. I pretended nothing happened, and was happy that for once she was calling me up again. School came, and we were off to a great start. Being a senior is hard because the pressures and requirements came early. But I managed because I have the best friend in the whole world even if my family is not. Juggling the studies and at the same time being the editor in chief of the school paper is very difficult and trying time. I sacrificed much, but I was determined to believe I would be earning the fruits of my labor in the end.

July came, and with it came disaster. One day, my best friend suddenly told me that she was lying to me all this time, and that she and the guy were very much into a relationship. Bit by bit, my life drained away from me because I could not understand why she has to lie to me all this time. She told me she was afraid I wouldn’t understand. How could I not? I knew her for five years and counting. She had managed to tell almost all of her choir members, but not me. She waited until July to tell me. Know what? There’s more.

She found out that the guy was not 23. No, he was thirty-three years old. Imagine that. And oh, she said casually, he also has two children and is not married to the woman. To date a man who is sixteen years older than you and has two children whom he refuse to support - that is too preposterous. I was spit mad, hell yes. Not only did she lie, she had the gall to say that she loved the man more when he confessed. It’s because she can relate with him, she told me. Relate to what? The man told him he was adopted, poor, and that nobody loves him. She could not bear to leave him because if she does, she would be just like all the women who left the 'poor' guy. I told her, you are not poor, and you are not adopted either. Your family loves you very much. How in the world can you relate with his makeup misery? The guy told her that she can make a decision - either to leave or stay with him. Then he spitted out those awful things that happened to him so that she could pity him. I told her to get out of the relationship now. The guy is only using her because he knows she is to his advantage.

I asked her a barrage of questions. Have you met his family yet? No. Had he introduced you to his friends? No. Have you seen his house? No. Do you know if he is really married or not? No. Can you defend him in front of your parents? No. Can he defend YOU? No. Can you introduce him to us and your other friends? No. Can he afford to pay for your tuition if your parents suddenly find out and kick you out of the house? No. How long are you going to lie to your parents and hide? I do not know. That is all of her answers. I told her that if it were something good I wouldn’t hesitate to back her up. But this is wrong.

She wouldn’t listen to me though. I told her, the guy knows already, he's sixteen years older than you. He is almost your father! I told her, when the guy was just sixteen years old, she wasn’t yet born in this world! He knows he's taking advantage of a girl who would follow at anything he says. Maybe she became afraid of all the things I said, because she finally broke up with him and told her mother everything.

But the bomb blew off really when she spent a weekend at my house. I asked her one very serious question that I was really dreading to find out, but I had to know. And it confirmed all the fears I had. Yes, they've had sex. Ever since they met in April. That was four months to date upon her confession. Sex, with no protection whatsoever. Yes, it's a miracle she wasn’t pregnant yet. My knees weakened at that, and I really cried. I was so afraid for her - and she just smiled at me. I asked her why, and she told me it was enjoyable. God. It was all I could do not to shake her to her senses. I lost my respect for her right then and there. I understood that she loved him (whatever she thought love was) - but it was like a slap to the face. I always look up to her because she is a year older than me, and she gave so many advices. But she failed to follow the same thing that she is teaching me. She was always saying that she learned a lot of things in school; why the hell didn’t she apply it to her own life. She told me; when you come to that point, you really cant think (daw). I was disgusted. But I didn’t tell her that. I was just sitting so quietly while letting the emotions and thoughts churn inside me. I just told her that if ever something happens, i'm here. I don’t know yet what I will do, but I will be here. No matter what my personal opinions are.

Come Monday, it was another blow. I arrived in school and she was hysterical. Crying one moment, laughing the next. After hours of pacifying her, I was dead tired. I couldn’t concentrated on anything in school, but to calm her, which is not working at all. That’s when I knew, she lost it. Yes, it was a mental breakdown. One I would never forget. Maybe she was afraid of getting pregnant and do not know how to face that, so she retreated to another world where there are no problems at all. Or maybe she was depressed when she broke up with the guy because that sex meant something to her and inevitably nothing for the guy. I called up her mom, talked to the head of the school, and requested that she be taken home. When her mom arrived to take her, I asked that she be taken to a gynecologist too. When she asked me why, I told her everything. I had to hold her as she broke into tears in front of me.

When I came back to the classroom everybody was asking me about her. I couldn’t tell them anything of course. That was a private matter. She was gone for a month, because they took her to a private institution. I would have objected because I wanted her treated by the best psychologist around. Unfortunately her parents are more afraid of the scandal than her health. I kept my mouth shut though. Everyday I would faithfully call and check up on her mother, if not her. It was all I could do not to put down the phone when she would unburden herself on me emotionally. I could not take that, but I listened everyday. I would cry every night, because this was all so hard. When I came to school, I could not come to anybody, because nobody knows about it. So I kept it all inside. I would take care of all the things she was missing and even the requirements needed for her applications in college. I put her ahead of everything. She was away yet my best friend is still ruling my life. I dropped everything for her. Emotionally burdened, physically strained, I was hospitalized for two weeks and received bad grades in my report card.

I was in the hospital when I learned that she came back. She has managed to visit my classmates in school but not me. I would call her up again, but she wouldn’t talk to me. I would tell her stories and she wouldn’t even tell me how her day was. But when my other friends call, she was all yakking it up with them. The last straw was when my two trusted friends came up to me and told them this: my best friend said that I was so depressed in life that I was contemplating to kill myself anytime soon. She said that I was so displeased with everything happening to me, I don’t want to live anymore. That did it. I called up her mom and asked about that. You know what her mom said? She said I was making up stories and that her daughter would never do that. I was stumped. I did everything for her, and all I would get from her and her family was this? I do not count everything, and am not expecting anything in return, but to be treated like this when I gave up so much - that was downright low. My family even went to find a lawyer for the guy because they can put a case on him for touching a minor - but they refused because they did not want a scandal.

From then on, I decided to distance myself from her. I believe that i've done too much, and I only got burned because of it. I would not go out and extend my life again for another. Never again. My classmates saw the changes of course. I couldn’t tell them everything, what happened to us and what happened to her. I just stayed away because I could not bear to be her friend anymore.

Oh, I heard everything. It would all start with the whispers behind your back. Gradually, it will be the dirty looks you will be receiving, and some snide comments that were not entirely whispered and were spoken loud enough for you to hear. I was judged. I heard everything – from an observation that we are not together, and that I wasn’t taking care of her. I didn’t help her in anything, and that I was selfish. She just came from a month long absence and I don’t have the heart to help her catch up. If only they knew how we spent time, me and my two trusted friends, xeroxing all the notes she missed and talking to the teachers to help her. If they only knew how I made our project alone and included her name in it so that she too could have a grade. If they only knew the painstaking ways I made just to get her a recommendation letter for her college applications only to find out that she would not take the exams because she doesn’t want to anymore. If only they knew how much I have labored and loved, only to be treated like a rag in return.

No, I did not say anything. If I speak up and told them the truth, it would be like blabbering to the whole school someone else’s personal problems that I have no right to speak about. If I keep silent, they would all go on judging for what they are seeing. Either way would spell out bad for me. I chose to keep silent because I don’t have the heart to ruin their image of my best friend to them. Let them think the worst of me. I learned who were my true friends after that. Others I have known for years, and I was shocked that they would come to believe so easily something bad about me.

Oh, I took counseling all right. Because I was afraid I’ll be losing my mind too. The counselor told me that I’m doing fine, and that it was only right to give myself some space and time because my best friend is not the only person who has got wounds to heal. I do too. It’s just that I was too busy helping out everybody else and doing everything for someone I thought was special that I forgot to take care of my own self.

Now, there are some days when I could go by all day without hearing something, and then there were days when the words are so hard to take. Sometimes I just want to shout at them all and tell them that they don’t know what they’re talking about.

I don’t pity my best friend now. If she’s still that. When I see her I only feel the resentment and anger of what she has done to me and my life, and she couldn’t care less. Right now all she cares about is catching up with all that she has missed. The problem is, she doesn’t want to work her way up. She is always expecting that the teachers will excuse her, or that somebody else will come along to help her in her problems. But I saw what it did to me, so I refused to be at her beck and call. Sometimes she would look at me accusingly, as if I was the cause to all her problems. I would look away and ask God how ever did we come to this point? Where is the friend I used to know? She doesn’t have the perseverance to study. She has become lazy, and treats everything like a game. I don’t know if that’s her attitude now, or if she’s still sick. I know she should be in the hospital for another three months. It sickens me that her parents would prefer more to avoid the scandal than to see to her health. I would see her everyday in school, and I tell you, the flashes of insanity are there. And I don’t know why I’m the only one who is seeing them, aside from some friends who understand me.

It’s still hell in school. Sometimes I seem to manage, other times I think I’m going to give up. I just keep telling myself to go on, because if I didn’t, I let her really control and ruin my entire life. never again for her sake. Caring for her too much gave me this disaster as a price to pay. So scratch that. I don’t believe she is still my best friend. She ruined our friendship and tore it to pieces the day she decided to lie to me and deemed me unworthy enough to keep her secrets and understand her, when I knew her all this time much more than she knew herself.

So, this is me and my life. right now, it couldn’t get any better. Throw in some more rotten tomatoes in my face so I could have a real party.

2002-09-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

i've let things slide lately.

add to the fact that my life is slowly falling apart, it's a wonder i've got time to pack another word or two here.

i thought the retreat would do me good. it did, for a few hours, but then several circumstances tend to get in between your life and your carefully-planned goals, your self and your friends, your dream and your reality - that the strength to hold on to that certain light slowly ebbs away.

i dont have the courage, the spirit, nor the time to tell the story.

but i am going to say what ive learned the past few days when i was crying out for help and found myself alone:

people who come to me for help doesnt necessarily mean that they trust my judgment, or believe in my capabilities - it means using me to their advantage while i blindly follow after their heels;

people whom i have so freely given my trust have also the power to freely give my secrets away;

just because ive been friends with certain people for years, it doesnt mean that i have their full confidence. they'd just as soon as look at my mistakes without thinking, nor asking me the truth;

certain intelligent people whom i admire greatly can be so quick to judge - especially if that person to be scrutinized was me.

in a span of a few days my entity was transformed from a human being to a dog - falling for some tricks and jumping up and down at the snap of one's fingers. i was a fool to ever trust that completely.

who are my friends? im afraid there is none.

2002-09-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

Because, dear one, I love you.

Why, dear God, do people suffer?
Why’s there war and crime and sorrow?
My father says you have the power,
To stop it all tomorrow.

“Because, dear one, I love you.”

But what of all the suffering?
It cannot please your eyes.
Surely you would have us all
With you in paradise.

"I do, dear one, but not by force,
But by your free-will love."

There're things that I so dearly need,
I wish I had them all.
If you would help me get them, God,
I'd be more at your call.

"I do not bargain, dearest one,
So choose which you desire more:
The passing pleasures of this world,
Or me, who thy soul does adore."

I guess if life were easy
And all was trouble-free,
We'd get too lazy, have no push
To reach to be like Thee.

But why allow our loved ones, God,
To suffer tragedy,
When we depend on them so much
And love them tenderly?

"Because,dear one, I love you,
And you'll have ALL one day,
When you have given all your love
To me in every way.

"When you can keep your harmony
And trust I'll fill your needs,
When you have stopped your selfishness,
Your self-indulgent deeds."

Some others do it more than me
There are even criminals
It seems like things are so unfair,
Why let it carry on?

"Because dear one, I love you,
And justice will prevail,
And in between it tests your faith,
And trust, that must not fail."

But why give so much freedom, God,
To those who spread such evil,
Through wars and greed and hatred,
And actions of the devil?

"Because, dear one , I love you,
And all must have their chance
To choose, and learn from ill effects,
Of what they did enhance."

I wish I could remember this
Amid each daily task,
Why not make us listen, God,
That we'd do as you ask?

"Because, dear one, I love you,
And gave my gift: free will.
I would not take it back now,
Your plan you must fulfill.

"Besides, you would resent it,
If I would take away,
The challenge that you know you'll pass,
If you will walk my way."

This does not seem so easy, God,
It looks like we must take,
Responsibility for all
The choices that we make.

I guess if we desire Thee,
The price we'll have to pay,
Give up all what we do not need,
And work and serve and pray.

"You're getting the idea now,
But have fun in what you do.
I made this life so full of joy,
Because, dear one, I love you!"

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

------

Just came home from the retreat. I cried a lot, and shared my pain with others. I didnt entirely found myself yet. I guess that will fuel out in the coming days. But my hope is renewed. And my life, I believe, will still be harsh, but there is comfort in Him. I know that now.

2002-09-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

am talking to albert right now. grabe, i miss this guy.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, the ACET was a tad hard in Math. English, as usual, was a breeze. But Math? Ugh. No thanks. Only one hour was alloted for Math - and that includes everything from trigonometry to geometry to advance algebra to basics of mixed problems and work, etc. Then there was the numerical ability, simple and basic problem solving, but it was soooooooooo long! and only 30 minutes were allowed for us to work on it.

even the logical reasoning was a bit difficult. it was the like that you have to make a condition, for example: All boys are tough. All tough boys dont cry. Eric is a boy. and then from there, there are choices that are given as you make a conclusion about it. personally, i think it was easy, but only 5 minutes were given for us to answer. there were 25 numbers in all, and i wasnt able to finish! the span of reading all the text and making a careful conclusion can take up so much time!

Ahhhhhhhh. what a life. Jesus, I hope I pass.

-----

oh, by the way, i will be going for a retreat on Monday (that's tomorrow) and Tuesday. Will be gone for two days. I hope this trip will help me refresh my spirit and rekindle my strength and faith in Him, because right now, I really need his love and guidance. And courage too, to face all the challenges ahead of me, the difficulties, the problems...to endure all the people who cause me pain and hurt, and to keep on living. can you give me a retreat letter? I want to receive lots and read them while I'm on my retreat. please email me. =)

2002-09-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

ACET naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Whoa. I haven't studied anything for the Ateneo College Entrance Exam. I came home early from a meeting yesterday from school, only to find myself at the mall afterwards. Silly me, instead of browsing through some reviewers, I up and went to watch a movie, Reign of Fire.

I'm waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy nervous!!!

I hope I will pass this exam. Please, please, please, please, please Lord, help me. I don't know if I can answer.

Good luck to me! =þ

2002-09-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

Test results came in yesterday. I'd rather not talk about it. I did go back to the doctor this afternoon though. *sigh* Right now, I'll concern myself with being happy. I was browsing through a gospel book a while ago and have been singing to myself while the rain is pouring outside. I found these following songs really striking for me now:

SINO AKO?

Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at ako'y tanging handog lamang.
Di ko ninais na ako'y isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil may buhay.

Ligaya ko na ako'y isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal.
Sinong may pag-ibig, sinong nagmamahal
Kundi ang tao, Diyos ang pinagmulan,
Kung di ako umibig,
Kung di ko man bigyang halaga
Ang buhay kong handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa Diyos
Kung di ako magmamahal, sino ako?

SA 'YO LAMANG

Puso ko'y binihag mo, sa tamis ng pagsuyo.
Tanggapin yaring alay; ako'y iyo habang buhay.

Aanhin pa ang kayamanan, luho at karangalan?
Kung ika'y mapasa 'kin, lahat na nga ay kakamtin.

Sa 'yo lamang ang puso ko, sa 'yo lamang ang buhay ko
Kalinisan, pagdaralita, pagtalima, aking sumpa.

Tangan kong kalooban sa iyo'y nilalaan
Dahil sa atas ng pagsuyo, tumalima lamang sa 'yo.

NADA DE TURBE

Nada de turbe, nada te espante
Quien adios tiene, nada de falta
Nada de turbe, nada te espante
Solo Dios basta.

(Nothing can trouble, nothing can frighten
Those who seek God, shall never go wanting
Nothing can trouble, nothing can frighten,
God alone fills us.)

-----

And you know what? I am shitless. Forgive me, but that's the way I feel. I received my report card already, and it doesnt look good.
These are my grades:

95 - Computer Education
90 - Creative Writing and Journalism
90 - Religion (Values Education)
88 - Communication Arts English
87 - Communication Arts Filipino
87 - Technology and Home Economics
85 - Economics
85 - Physical Education
84 - Physics

With the grades above, i'm a candidate for being an outstanding student.

BUT NOT when I still have these under my belt too:

77 - Trigonometry
75 - Music Education.

The hell! I havent received ever a line of 7 in my entire life! Yes, there's always a first time, but why does it have to be in my senior year?! Why, now that i am graduating and vying for honors?!

My father shouted at me several expletives that brought me to tears. I went to my room and cried till my lungs were raw and my head hurts. I called myself every self-pitying name.

Then afterwards, I went out to watch The Bourne Identity. What do I care? I got 95 at Computer. Ha. Beat that.

*sigh* I'M A PATHETIC FART. =(

2002-09-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

am still home.

found out that i cant manage to haul myself out of bed a while ago and also yesterday morning. my body felt battered and i was dizzy all the time. no wonder my parents told me that i cant go to school, because, according to reality check, i really CAN'T.

my best friend's a bit okay now. i talked to her yesterday. at last. but i dunno, she sounded a distant. too distant for comfort.

*sigh* i hate being sick. good thing i was able to buzz vera last night and we talked over yahoo messenger. she wanted to visit me while i was in the hospital, but i was too shy to say yes. and frankly, i was a mess after the operation. albert also called me up on my cellphone last night. it cheered me up a great deal.

thank you Lord, for friends who care.

2002-09-03T18:08:00.000-07:00

this was forwarded to me by email...

I believe...

I believe-
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences that's why they often die....

I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I believe-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

2002-09-02T02:39:00.000-07:00

just got home. ah, what a week.

actually the release order for me was given already yesterday morning, but due to unruly procedures and super slooooowwww working staff at St. Luke's Medical Center, I ended up going home just this afternoon.

I am still a little dizzy, and I know I should be resting right now, but I have missed this so much! Being cooped up inside a damn hospital room for a week sure made me feel paralyzed. i have missed so much in school already, i dont know how am i gonna keep up with the lessons and requirements, not to mention several important quizzes that i was undoubtedly absent.

anyway, i was diagnosed with ulcer due to stress. i was not surprised. last week Sunday i was vomiting and all, and i have severe stomach pains. i was crying and i couldnt stand...so they rushed me to the doctor the next morning and i was admitted monday evening.

then, they also found some cysts at my nape. god, everybody was worried.

procedures were made, and by friday morning, they took it out of my neck. it was a hell of a day. at five in the morning a nurse came into my room to inform me that they would have to attached an iv needle on my left hand. a sleepy intern entered and it took her thirty minutes to REALLY find a vein. when she inserted the blasted iv needle, she wasnt done yet. she twisted the needle over and over and it was really giving me excruciating pain. imagine, she couldnt find the vein yet! here she was standing in front of me, twisting and turning the needle under my skin, and it was all i really could do not to cry.

when she was done and took out the needle, my blood spilled over the sheets. my mother was ready to smack her right then and there. after the operation, i was put in a room and left for hours. nobody wanted to pick me up and bring me back to my room. everybody was concerned with getting food for lunch. my body was undergoing chills by that time, and i told a nurse that i was cold -she only put a thin sheet over me, and then she was gone.

the operation was done by ten thirty, i came back my room at two in the afternoon. i was mad, hell yes.

now, i have insisted to my parents that i must go to school tomorrow. no way am i missing another day.

the results of my operation isnt available yet. but god, i hope it's not anything serious. i have so many plans yet for me.

anyway, it's glad to be back. thanks for the prayers. i'll still be needing them.

2002-08-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

will be gone for a few days...i'm sick right now, and i dont know yet what ails me, so i'll be confined to the hospital for a few days.

please pray for me. i need that.

2002-08-20T05:50:00.000-07:00

today, and for the rest of the week, i will keep myself busy.

busy, busy, busy - i will have no time to think.

i think that's the best therapy for now.

2002-08-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

sigh. i dont know if my best friend is getting better. i posted this in PinoyExchange a few weeks back, last August 1:

my best friend had a nervous breakdown last monday because of personal problems, and i was so scared to see her that way. i felt so helpless because i didnt know what to do, or how to make her feel better. one minute she was in rage and was crying her heart out, the next minute she was laughing hysterically. and i didnt know how to handle that. i ended up calling her mom. right now she's under medication, pero we're not yet sure if she's responding to it. she wont be coming to school for a very long time, and i cry over her every night. i call frequently to check up with her mom, and my heart bleeds everytime she cries. i cant take it anymore. when i go to school, everybody is asking me how she's doing, and i dont quite know what to answer. i feel overwhlemed by all of them, asking me all at the same time. even my teachers are asking me if she is dropping out.

tell me, how am i supposed to know that?

i felt worthless because i cannot do anything to help her - i didnt see it coming. i was her bestfriend, but she never confided in me her problems. it was much easier for her to tell somebody not that close to her - and i hurt because of that. she was so afraid i wouldnt understand...but we have been best friends for 5 years, if there was someone who would understand her, it's me. sometimes it hurts when i think about it, that she didnt trust me enough to tell me everything. everyone told me it's not my fault, but i cant help but feel that way.

to top it off, in the 4 days in this week, ive only got 6 hours of sleep. so much to do, i felt that one of these days, i will be the one to collapse. i dont know what to do first, where to start. then every night, i cant help but cry myself to sleep when i think of my best friend. my parents told me i was crying in my sleep and that i should not think of my bestfriend, because i might follow the same fate.

but you know, it's hard NOT to think about it, because everyday i feel like im alone in school. im a loner now. i have a group of friends, yes, but i felt excluded. i dont have anyone to tell my problems to except myself. and everyday, i feel like i am slipping away. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

and the week just keeps on getting better and better.

my wallet fell off my pocket without me noticing it.i went along my way like an idiot without a care, trying to laugh while my world is falling apart. suddenly, someone approached me holding that black leather, and all i can think of was, oh great.
i opened it. the pictures of me and all of my friends were still there - but in such a disarray that i felt violated because somebody thought to go over them one by one. i felt harassed, because someone had invaded my privacy. not only that, my money was stolen. and the nerve, the person left me several coins as consolation.

not only that, i also failed in my music written exam. can you imagine that? it was just music, for heaven's sake, and i couldnt manage to pass it! you know what? i felt like a heel, with everybody doing so well, and me going down the drain fast. hell, i studied for that exam. i really did. and no matter what i do, it just wasnt enough. what went wrong? i dont know. i know all the lessons - why the heck did i fail? something is wrong with me - i dont do this. i dont fail. why does it have to happen in my senior year? everything is so hard for me, i dont know what to do. i want to be an honor student, i have been since i started school, it would be a big blow to graduate not finishing what i started, granted that ive done so much for my school.

i dont know what to do now. i feel like im the stupidest person in the world. the universe, even. and what hurts is that, i studied. berate me if all i did was watch tv on the week of the exams, i can accept the reason why i failed. but not when i studied and gave up my sleep for this, and not get it.

im worthless. im stupid. my life is a mess. somebody kill me now, please. i cant take it anymore.

2002-08-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

today i think is one of the worst days of my life.

i flunked the exam on trigonometry. me, the one who stayed up until 5 am in the morning the next day solving problems on polynomial functions and finding domains and ranges on line graphs. me, who pestered my teacher into giving me copies of the quizzes we had so i can go over them. me, who understood the lesson.

i do not know how it happened. i just sat there feeling numb while almost all of the class were jubilant of their very high scores. my score? it's half of the passing score, would you believe that? even some of my classmates who normally dont study and flunk the exams on a regular basis, happened to get a score higher than me.

what happened? i was asking myself over and over as i sat there staring at my test paper. i couldnt justify that the checking was wrong, because when all of us went over the answers a final time to check for corrections, there was none. my answers, most of them, were indeed all wrong.

why? when i was answering the exam, i took ample time to understand and answer each number. i was sure of my answers.but now they're all wrong.

felt like a heel. i felt like the biggest moron in the world. Stupida. Tanga. Bobo. Yup, those words screamed at me as i refused to let my seatmate see my score. the tears burned behind my eyelids and my throat ached. i was crying by the end of the period, but thankfully, no one noticed.

i am ashamed of myself and for getting that score. in my entire life, this is the first time that i failed a periodical exam. why does everything have to happen on my senior year? i am striving to be an outstanding student, but i dont think i can fulfill that now. and it hurts so bad to think about it. i know i did my best in my exam, because if i happen NOT to study, then it wouldnt hurt so bad. i knew i deserved that. but this one? i want a higher score, a BETTER score. but how can i say that i deserve it when all of my answers were wrong?

for the life of me, i didnt know how that happened.

2002-08-11T01:30:00.001-07:00

i literally bowled over this one.

2002-08-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

My Place
By SC (Inq7.Net Editorial, Sept 17,'01)

TODAY, I will attend an execution: my own. I will watch it with both eyes open and I will not cry. I will not break down just because the man I have loved since forever will marry someone else. I will watch him promise himself to a woman who will never love him like I have. I will watch them bind themselves to a vow I should have taken.

I have loved Oliver almost all my life. I have known him since I saved his six-year-old hide from a bully named Ricardo who wanted to rid
him of his two yellowed front teeth. I was five at the time, but having grown with five older brothers and a hellion of a sister, ''Totoy Cardo'' was a piece of cake. Oliver was so overcome with embarrassment at having a girl to protect his scrawny neck that from that time on he made it a point to be the rescuer, not the rescued.

As time passed, muscles filled out this lanky frame and those two front teeth began to sparkle. He combs his hair, and he takes a bath daily now. In short, he has become a fine specimen of manhood. The best part is, he lived up to his promise: he became my self-appointed guardian (well, I don't know if that's the best or the worst part). He was just always there, sticking to me like glue. It used to drive me nuts that he never let me out of his sight. When I was 12, I ran from the infirmary on my way home. I had found out in the most humiliating way that I had become a woman: there was a big red stain on the back portion of my skirt. The jeers and the taunts followed me through the school corridors. Oliver dashed after me and offered to accompany me home. I declined, of course. He seemed to understand my discomfiture and promised to drop later with the things left in school. When I reached home I was told that I needed to jump three times on the stairs (which I did) and to wash my face with my blood (which I didn't do).

Oliver dropped by in the afternoon, sporting a black eye and a bruise on his arm. When I asked him what happened, he said he had walked into a closed door. I believed him. But a few days later, minus the dysmenorrhea, I found out that Oliver got into fisticuffs because some guy made a disgusting remark about me. Nobody had ever fought for me before that. And when you're 12 and discussing in class how King Arthur and fairest of them all, Lancelot, fought for Guinevere's love, you tend to get ideas. I loved Oliver then. When we were in high school and I found out that the school's heartthrob and one of my most ardent suitors, Richard, was involved with a bustier girl, it was to Oliver that I ran. When I didn't graduate as valedictorian and I got so drunk, it was Oliver who took me home. He didn't even mind that I barfed all over his dad's car (which he borrowed without permission).

When I decided to go to UP and he went to Ateneo, we celebrated by partying. When I lost my mom in a car accident, he took care of
everything. When my dad followed my mom less than a year later after a heart attack, he was there again. By this time he was an appendage of my life. He used to check out the guys I came to know. Nobody dared to get serious with me--not when Oliver had a black belt.

I didn't know how to define our relationship. I didn't know what we were. We definitely were more than friends, better even than best
friends. It was like we were a couple, but formally not one. We did all the things that couples did like hang out and neck but always
stopped when things got too hot. Since we never defined what we meant to each other, we never said "I love you" or whatever serious
couple told each other. As a result, I remained a chaste princess while my prince caroused and sowed wild oats, but still had the energy to monitor my movements. I didn't mind. After all, I was so sure we'd end up together. I always thought that in the end, it would be us. I loved him. I managed to convince myself that he loved me (what else could it be?). Little did I know that love doesn't conquer all, it only conquers the weak. I didn't think he'd be so stupid as to get a girl pregnant on the same night they met at a party. I didn't think he'd be so stupid as to forget to use some form of contraception. After all, he had given me a lecture on safe sex. And I didn't think he'd be so stupid as to marry the girl. But maybe I forgot that after all he was a man, and men have been known to be stupid about these things. Their brain is located in a region other than between the ears. What could I do? Kicking him in the groin and punching him in the eye seemed like a good idea then. Don't blame me; he was the one who enrolled me in a self-defense course.

But I did not feel better. Seeing him bent over in pain only made me angrier. I wasted my life for this lousy excuse of a man? I could not believe it! I wanted nothing more than to run to him and beg him to wake me up from the stupid dream. I wanted him to take me some place where we didn't know anybody. No pain, no memory, no humiliation. I wanted to just forget it ever happened but since I flunked in the School for Martyrs, I couldn't, for the life of me pretend, it didn't happen. I couldn't pretend he didn't hurt me. I couldn't pretend everything was fine and dandy and exactly the way it was before. We didn't talk for a month. For both of us who were practically inseparable, that was like an eternity. I ducked into corners whenever I would see him. I wouldn't take his calls. I wouldn't see him. And for some time hate was my reason for getting up in the morning, for breathing, for living. Hate and I became good friends.

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them but to cleanse them," somebody once wrote. I didn't want to be cleansed. I just
wanted to drown in pain and misery and utter desolation. I wanted to wallow in the dark and deep pit of despair. I know a thousand and one clichés that say this can be a blessing and that I should be thankful. But thankful is the last thing I'm feeling right now. I've
always thought that there are three kinds of women: those who break, those who mend and those who are broken themselves. Before this hit me, I assumed that I belonged to the first or second category. Now I know I'm in the third--so hurt and broken up inside. My grandmother used to say that there is nothing you can do about pain when it gives you a silly grin except grin right back. All I could manage was a wry smile, a killer headache and the worst hangover the day before his wedding. Evidence of that is the disgusting sight of mashed potatoes and barbecue, thrown up not three meters away from where I was lying prostrate on the floor and the awful stench of cigarette on my hair. Frankly I don't want to go. I want to wallow in misery in my messy room, crying, retching and stinking, surrounded with Michael Learns to Rock (whose songs are dedicated to the broken-hearted) CDs. But I have to go and attend the wedding. I have to bathe and prepare and put on that atrocious peach (it's not even my color!) gown.

I'm not doing it for the groom, my one true friend and love, Oliver. Neither am I doing it for the bride, my younger sister, Sandra, who needs me. I'm doing it for my unborn niece who has the great fortune of having me as her aunt. Call me stupid, but I've always known my place. If it isn't beside the man I was destined to marry, if it isn't behind my sister, who will take his name, wear his ring and bear him a child, then it must be with my niece, cradled close to my heart so that she will know both of our love.

-------------------
SC, 22, teaches at a private school in Cagayan
de Oro City while taking up postgraduate studies

2002-08-11T01:22:00.000-07:00

cute noh? *sigh* I wanna hug a teddy bear. I've got like, five bears already, plus two stuff dogs. :-)

2002-08-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

thank god exam week is over. i feel like a flattened vegetable already. in 72 hours, i've only got 1 and a half hours' worth of sleep. terrible. next week, the hell won't be over - practices, meetings, and the passing of requirements will haunt me day and night, i'm sure.

even in my sleep i was reciting formulas in physics. when i wake up, the first thing that comes to mind are the church encyclicals. hanubeh! im so sick of those ha. i want to go on a vacatioooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnn! *sigh*

2002-08-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

the UPCAT was okay. i had to stand for an hour before i could get inside the classroom, and it was so irritating because they were not that organized.

i breezed through the English part but was a bit stumped in Math. oh well. im not really good at Math anyway. I left three blanks (kse right minus wrong eh) but managed to answer all questions in Science.

It wasnt easy. But it's not that difficult either.

oh Lord, I hope I pass.

2002-08-02T17:54:00.000-07:00

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

UPCAT ko na mamayang 12:30 pm.

im nervous, way over my head.

2002-08-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

Read me here

2002-07-25T03:37:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I cried. I lied down, buried my head in my pillow, and just let the tears flow without warning. Slow, silent tears that break my heart.

It was inexplicable, this extreme feeling of sadness, the pain burning inside me, consuming my entity.

For the longest time I have been alone, and in this desolate instant, the loneliness struck me with a searing blow. I am empty inside.

Sometimes I wouldn’t mind at all, relenting to the fact that I will have no one beside me no matter how much I will it to happen. But then again, I have been dying a little bit each day.

I appreciate the wonderful moments the Lord has been providing me – with my friends, family, and the simple things in life, but it is not enough. Inside of me is a powerful yearning to be loved completely, without complexities.

And that, is wishful thinking in the least.

2002-07-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

i am currently #47 in our graduating batch, which consists of 263 students in all.

i'm in the top 18%.

whooopeeedoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

2002-07-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

nakahanap ako ng karamay...

[twinkle`] astiggggggggggggggggggggggg
[nheo] wooooohoooooooo
[twinkle`] shet. john mayer ever. ahehehehe
[nheo] live ba yan
[twinkle`] yung song?
[twinkle`] nope.
[nheo] intarvyu
[twinkle`] yeah
*** nheo is now known as johnmayer
[johnmayer] ayus

2002-07-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

was listening to John Mayer a while ago on a phone patch sa Magic 89.9...

grabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...John Mayer fan ever na ko....

/me bounces around the room. (ahahahahaha)

2002-07-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

50 Things I Wish I Could Be...

1. jazz singer in a blue-lit smoky room
2. florist
3. great friend
4. guitarist and have a one-woman show
5. forensic specialist
6. radio disc jockey at late-night shows
7. pianist
8. famous writer
9. mountain climber
10. excellent chef
11. computer analyst
12. film director
13. meticulous housekeeper
14. driver of my very own car
15. disciplined budgeteer
16. pet owner of a hundred dogs
17. rock star
18. kindergarten teacher
19. police detective
20. be a kid again
21. couch potato
22. good conversationalist
23. well-recommended author with my very own book
24. sought-after web designer
25. fighter
26. stand-up comedienne even for just one night
27. song composer
28. defense lawyer
29. a person who is lovable
30. shock absorber to troubled friends
31. source of happiness and sunshine
32. superhero for one hour
33. light sleeper
34. mind reader
35. zillionaire
36. genius
37. talented artist with many sold paintings
38. saxophonist
39. car mechanic
40. baker
41. ballet dancer
42. happy-go-lucky person
43. soldier at my own risk
44. high profile spy of a secret agency
45. a simple woman with simple needs
46. a soul who has a match
47. treasure chest for crossword-puzzle answers
48. a keeper of secrets
49. a man for one day
50. a person of my owh good without conforming to the cohorts of society

...these are just wishes which i hope, i can be even if it's just one or two on that list...

but, with all my heart, what i really hope i could be is this:

51. happy

2002-07-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

Describe a typical Friday night. Lights. Gigs. Loud, blaring music. Dancing. Rave. Party. People. That's a Friday celebrated by a lot of people, but not me.

My Friday, suffice to say, consists of old songs playing on the radio, a book to curl up to, coffee conversations on the phone, chat fever till the wee hours of the morning, and soaking up on the Internet.

It also includes cooking a simple meal and eating while watching cheesy reruns on tv at midnight, or counting stars, or writing poems and songs after a cool bath.

Sometimes I want to shout at the top of my lungs because my world is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo I dont know...serene. I want my Friday to be fun. Fab. Fantastic.

But then again, the thought of dressing up while I can stay up and be a slob while slurping chicken soup stops me.

Sigh. I can be so fickle sometimes.

So sue me. I'm a woman.

2002-07-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

i am two days behind my school schedule. i'm still stuck to this darn room, confined to my darn bed.

*sigh* how i hate being soooooooo sick.

2002-07-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

Today was pure hell.

It all started with the dead cat I saw in front of our school when I stepped down from the car. Its insides were all strewn out and the battered body gaped at me. One eye rolled down the gutter and the tail was disconnected from the body. It was disgusting. Terrible way to start the day huh? I knew right then and there it was an omen of other things to come.

I wasnt disappointed. Not only did I manage to flunk my test in physics, I also scared the hell out of my staffers when we had a meeting after classes. I was so grouchy and everything, I wasnt feeling well, and I was harassed by so many things to do. Wala nga pasok sa tuesday pero tambak naman ng gawa. I have five quizzes on wednesday, plus two projects, tons of homework, articles to edit and write for the school paper, and process my application forms. Napakasungit ko kaninang meeting. My directions were brief and harsh, and I dismissed them early. Feeling ko tuloy napakawalang kwentang tao ko na.

To top it all off, I was outside when it rained so hard, I was drenched to the skin. And my parents, darn them, had forgotten that I was supposed to be fetched. They came to school at nine in the evening. I was cold, I was hungry, I was wet, and I have a headache.

When I finally seated myself inside the car, the two of them simultaneously shouted at me. Hindi ko daw pinaalala na susunduin ako. I have told them about it numerous times, it wasnt my fault that they weren't listening. I reminded them last night, and I reminded them again this morning. Wala naman pala silbi kasi hindi ren pala sila nakinig. And it was, suppose to be, my fault.

They didnt even ask me if I was hungry, or if I was feeling all right, or why I was soaked to the skin. They didnt notice that my voice is so weak, and that I was crying already. My mother said I was a nuisance to her schedule because she was supposed to be resting right now, not fetching me. My father said if he had a choice, he wouldnt fetch me at all. I havent eaten lunch because I have so many errands to do, and they couldnt care less. It was ten in the evening, my god, and they rant together with the rain.

Napaka-selfish ko daw. Sarili ko lang iniisip ko kasi nagpasundo pa ako. Damn. How was I suppose to go home then, if they didnt allow me to go home alone? The last time I came home alone, my father hit me. Nagmamalaki na daw ako kaya umuuwi na lang ako mag-isa ng basta-basta. Anong gusto nila gawin ko?

Now I just got home, and I feel I have a fever. I dont have the strength to eat now. Nawalan na ko ng gana. Wala na ang gutom ko. Sa mga narinig ko ba naman, makakakain pa ba ko niyan?

Siguro maya-maya lalabas ako ng kwarto ko to see if I can drink any medicine for what I'm feeling. I cant risk letting my mother know because she will get mad at me if she learns that I'm sick. Sasabihin na naman niya sinasayang ko ang pera niya.

Tapos yung tatay ko high blood pa pala. Ginagatungan pa lalo ng nanay ko para lalong magalit sa men. Tapos pati tatay ko binungangaan niya kse kelangan pa daw niya asikasuhin at alagaan. Pano na daw siya? Ang selfish naman daw kse naming lahat. Hindi daw namen siya binibigyang halaga. And you know what? She wants to have my father confined in the hospital so that she wouldnt have to take care of him. Nakakasawa daw kasi. Hindi daw siya nakakatulog masyado. Ayaw daw niya mag-alaga kse wala daw siya tiyaga. Parang hindi siya asawa noh? Selfish nga daw kse kami eh.

And the proverbial line of my mother, as always, before I slammed the door on her face: "Kung alam ko lang ikaw ang magiging anak ko sana hindi na lang kita binuhay. Sana hindi ko na lang kayo ipinanganak ng mga kapatid mo. Pahirap lang kayo sa akin."

Ayoko na talaga. Suko na ko.

How I wish I was that dead cat a while ago.

2002-07-10T04:54:00.000-07:00

I AM BORED!!!

..../me wishes to be swallowed into oblivion...

2002-07-10T04:51:00.000-07:00

okay. guess what.

for the first time ever, i now have committed an offense in my disciplinary record. in my senior year.

and i couldnt care less. i have, undoubtedly, no qualms about it.

ang saya ko pa nga eh. hanubeh. lumalaki akong paurong. hahahahahahhahahahahaha

/me is demented.